Helle
by Ultimanium
Summary: When a routine train trip goes horribly, horribly wrong, Kiev and Rover become subject to a whole new circle of hell. Now with 30 percent more communism!
1. Highway to Helle

Ch-chank.  
Ch-chunk.  
Ch-chank.  
Outside, the sun rapidly set as the train rounded another bend, racing between the cover of the endless grove of pines. Inside, most of the residents of first class sat comfortably, discussing stocks, bonds, their estates, and and each other's expensive necklaces and prim clothing as classical music played in the background. Second class mates, meanwhile, were discussing what clothes they'd packed, the weather, how beautiful the horizon was at this time of evening, and exactly where their childrens' college funds mysteriously disappeared to during that one bout at Vegas.  
  
Economy class, on the other hand, was more of a symphony of destruction.  
  
Kiev ducked, narrowly dodging a bottle of milk as it flew over his head. It hit another person in the compartment behind him, knocking him clean onto the floor. As chance would have it, though at first collection an air-raid siren had went off, the illegal immigrants' seven children immediately behind Kiev began crying.  
  
Kiev grit his teeth as he sat back up, readjusting his hat. He paused as he noticed a horn missing. Casually he bent down to the aisle, picking the solid-metal object off the badly warped floor. He ducked back in as a pair of raggedy-dressed leopards backed by, clawing each other into submission. Kiev just sat, keeping his eyes on the seat in front of him. He was cold. Bitterly cold. He reached over to pop the window back into place, but instead jumped back as the window completely plunged out of its sockets, shattering with a loud crash as it hit the ground below. Kiev watched with a sigh as the debris disappeared over the horizon. He rested his arm on the giant dufflebag next to him, drumming his oddly spherical hand against it.  
  
"Is this seat taken?"  
  
Kiev glanced up from his seat. Just inside his compartment stood a blue-furred cat, dressed in a red vest. Kiev tipped his head towards the seat across from him. Nodding, the passenger waddled in, carrying a bag at least twice as packed as his own. Kiev blinked as the guest grunted, lifting the giant sack onto the seat. The seat appropriately broke in two.  
  
Kiev rolled his eyes, shuffling over in his own seat as the other half was taken. The cat leant back, resting his head against the torn cushioning that made up the wide headrest. "...given that we're going to be sitting here for a while, perhaps we could strike up some conversation?"  
  
Kiev shrugged. "Be my guest. Name's Kiev."  
  
"Keev?"  
  
"Kiev."  
  
"Koiv?"  
  
"KI-EV." Kiev droned, turning back to his bag.  
  
"...is that so? You can call me Rover." Rover leant further back, yawning. "...oh, hey, where are you headed?"  
  
"I'm movin' out. Somewhere bigger and better. I'm going to follow oppritunity, get a cushy job, bury myself in Bells and laugh at all my subordinates."  
  
Rover sighed. "Well, that's good. Where you intended on heading? Olenville?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Destin?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Freedom?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Green Mesa?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Hion Fiel-"  
  
"NO, NO NO NO!!" Kiev screeched. "If it SO much BOTHERS you, I'm going to NEW YORK!!"  
  
Pause. A nearby window was hit with a stray crowbar, causing the wind to blow dust and stray trash straight into both of their faces. With a loud thwap, Kiev reached up and tore the loose newspaper away from his face. "...how do you know about all these places, anyways?"  
  
Rover grimaced. "Oh, I've followed this route quite a bit. I've heard from the others, some of their destinations. It seems to go on forever... and in a sense, it does."  
  
Kiev shuddered. "Go on."  
  
"Take a look around you, this is the largest train route in the continental Anima, and also one of the most understaffed, mind you. All twists and turns taken into consideration, I'd guess this entire thing to run close to 25000 miles. And... here's the kicker... there's only about five huge engines running the entire thing! Wacked, huh? So I'd make up your mind where you're going to settle down... cause you could be in for a long wait should you change your mind."  
  
Kiev gulped. "...dandy."  
  
"My stop's not for another 500 miles or so... wake me up when they bring snacks, huh?" Rover snatched the newspaper from Kiev's hands, dropping it over his face as he lied back. Kiev rolled his eyes...  
  
...as suddenly, the train roared into a tunnel. There was a scream. A brief moment later, light returned to the cabin as it came out the other side. Kiev took a deep breath as a hulking frog stepped out from the torn curtains at the head of the car, holding one of the attendants up with a pair of box cutters. "ALL OF YOU!! DO AS I TELL YOU!!"  
  
Kiev buried his head in his hands. It would be a long night.  
********  
  
Helle  
Chapter 1 - Highway to Helle (In which Kiev eternally damns himself)  
  
********  
14 minutes later...  
"This is wrong." Kiev droned.  
  
"Oh, just shut up and do it..." Rover grumbled.  
  
"I feel my humanity threatened in a SITUATION LIKE THIS!!" Keiv cried. He was promptly beaned with thrown garbage from the other bystanders. "...oh... fine... just once... but I think I'm going to cry." Kiev took a deep breath, and stood on his toes.  
  
He began crouching, nearly tripping over the dress he had been provided. "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!" he cupped his arm around, touching his tightened waist. "HERE IS MY HANDLE," he stood again, sticking his arm out into the air. "AND HERE IS MY SPOUT!"  
  
Everyone else stared on distastefully as Kiev's manhood rapidly diminished. Meanwhile, the giant muscular amphibian sat at the far end of the economy car, still holding the bullet-sweating attendant captive with the box cutters, letting out an annoyingly high-pitched laugh. "Oh, man, I never thought I'd see this! AGAIN!! OR THE LADY GETS IT!!"  
  
"I'm a little teapot. Short and stout..." Kiev growled deeply as he repeated the movements, becoming more tangled up in the skirt as he did so. Eventually he crouched one more time, ripping the dress.  
  
"Dagnabbit..." an old lady at the back mumbled. "I just got that tailored last week..."  
  
Meanwhile, the laughter had hit a new level of amplitude. "...OH MY GOD YOU ARE... GAH.. GAHAHAAH... AHAHAHH!! Good show, good show!"  
  
"Are you JUST about done?" Rover sighed.  
  
The toad smirked. "Until I find some new way to toy with your little minds, I'm afraid so! Now, you're all going to sit back here like good little boys and girls until my demands are met! Or..."  
  
"Or what?" Kiev muttered.  
  
"...what?! Are you talking to ME?!"  
  
Kiev folded his arms. "...yeah. For one thing, I'm not sure how you're going to endanger our lives and all in the name of your little hijacker codec."  
  
Rover sweatdropped. "..uuhhh.. Kiev... are you sure..."  
  
"I'm perfectly sure I have this all planned out!" the toad spat. "If you don't follow everything I instruct, this lady will GET IT!!"  
  
Kiev groaned. "...and theeen..."  
  
"...what do you MEAN, and then?! I'll endanger all your lives too!"  
  
"And tell me, exactly HOW do you intend to endanger our lives?"  
  
"With these BOX CUTTERS!!" Snip. Snip.  
  
Kiev rubbed his chin. "...well, you DO realize that this entire car could tackle you in the time it takes you to snip once, correct? You're going to have to do better than that."  
  
"...MAYBE I'LL BLOW MYSELF UP!!"  
  
"You don't have a bomb." Kiev and Rover droned.  
  
"...YES I DO!!"  
  
"...no, you don't. For one thing, you aren't wearing anything to conceal one. You aren't wearing ANYTHING, as a matter of fact."  
  
"EVERYBODY!! GET HIM!!" a voice in the back screamed. Accordingly, everyone in the cabin leapt for the attacker at once. At that precise moment, the train entered another tunnel.  
"DIE TERRORIST SCUM!!"  
"YAAAUGGHHH!!"  
"ARRGGHH!!"  
"Nobody move! I lost a conta-guh!"  
"That's going to smart..."  
"NOT IN THE FACE!!"  
"FLYING LOTUS FIST!"  
"Whuh?"  
CLANG WHUMP POW SACK WHOOMP BAM CRASH  
The train suddenly filled with light as it crested the edge of the tunnel. A giant melee took up most of the front aisle. Kiev stuck his head out of the furball, scratching it. "...um..." As the dust cloud cleared, it was revealed that everyone was mercilessly pounding the life out of Rover.  
  
"H-HE'S GETT-TING AWAY-Y!!" Rover pointed down the aisle, through the open door and into the second class car as the assailant continued to drag his hostage away. Everyone promptly trampled over Rover. Kiev led the charge into the center of the car, where the seats broke off for a moment to reveal the departure doors on both sides of the car.  
  
"End of the line!" Kiev thrust his finger at his attacker. Rover followed after an awkward pause. Both leapt back again as the mechanical device lunged at them, threatening to snap their heads off. "You will not threaten my possible prosperity in NEW YORK CITY!! DOWN WITH YOU!" Both circled around to in front of the left doors, narrowly dodging another attack. With a cry of rage, Kiev and Rover were bullrushed, slammed backwards by the massive amphibian's shoulder. Both yelled as they were thrown back from the impact, flying clean into and smashing the wooden doors to splinters as they carried completely through, launching completely off of the train.  
  
"GYAH! HAHAHAH! HAHAHAAHH-*clunk*-guhhh..." With a mighty swing of the crowbar, the giant toad was KOed, collapsing out of the open train doors as it passed over a deep ravine.  
  
"Fleabag!" the old lady tossed away the crowbar as she moved over to examine the torn skirt lying on the ground. "...oh, dear... this could take some work..."  
--------  
Birds chirped, and dandelion seeds floated across the breeze. The leaves in the trees rippled in response as the sun rose over the horizon, beginning a brand new day. The light reflected into and back out of a small pond, making visible a pair of lifeless bodies and a pair of dufflebags. Kiev opened his eyes slowly, lifting his head out of the water. He saw double as his sight slowly began to repair itself. The blinding sun hovered above, staring down onto Kiev.  
  
"...ahhh... accccurssed sun..." Kiev slurred. "...go awayyy..."  
  
In response, the sun shone in an even brighter and more annoying manner.  
  
"...auughhh..." Kiev pulled his hat down, blocking out the light. Slowly, he began to push himself to his feet, standing up in the small pond. "...grahh.." he finally gave his head a shake, reeling back as he opened his eyes again. Spotting his bags, he turned back to where Rover still lied face up. "...hey, you okay?"  
  
"...m'guess." Rover stammered. "...where are we..?"  
  
"No clue." Kiev slumped over, beginning to lift his bags. He stopped, blinking in confusion.  
  
"...somethin' wrong..." Rover gasped as he rose to his feet.  
  
"...I think things have been going particularly in my favor for the past little while as soon as you get over the fact WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!!" Kiev kicked away a rock, tossing his bag over his shoulder. "Where's the train?! We gotta find the train! It couldn'tve gotten fa-" he stared up at the sky. It was already high noon. "...who am I kidding..." he fell back to the ground, dropping his bag. "...this is friggin ridiculous... that was my ride! And now..."  
  
Rover sighed. "Well, you know what I said."  
  
"I know perfectly what you said. I can't get it out of my head as much as I want to."  
  
"At least we have our stuff..." Rover opened his bag, making the futile attempt to keep its contents from spilling over. He dug around, eventually pulling out a large travel map. "...I have everything we need to find our way... now we just need somewhere to find a way to. There's gotta be a township around here somewhere... they're everywhere."  
  
Kiev plodded by again, flailing his arms. "Oh, this had BETTER not be a week's trek..."  
  
Rover brightened considerably. "Hey, hey! Lookit this..." he planted his finger onto the map where Kiev couldn't see. "I think we have our solution right here! Given our proximity to that ravine over there... wow, that place is less than thirty miles from here!"  
  
"What township?"  
  
Rover looked up. "It's a pretty big settlement. It's a place called Helle."  
  
Pause.  
  
"...hell?"  
  
"Helle."  
  
Pause.  
  
"Somewhere, somehow, some supernatural force is busting a gut right now." Kiev sighed as he lifted up his bag again. "...hell?"  
  
"Helle."  
  
"Hell."  
  
"Helle."  
  
"...let's... just get moving." Kiev started down the hill, starting away from the ravine.   
  
Rover followed closely, tugging his vest as he went. "From the topographical information it looks like a decent-sized place. We should be able to fit right in."  
  
"For the time being."  
  
"...for the time being."  
  
Thus, after another annoyed glare from Kiev, the two picked up their bags and began the long trip over the hills and plains and forests toward Helle, not thinking once about their overstuffed bags which could potentially crush them at any given moment. But I'm getting ahead of myself.  
  
"Now I feel like I could do ANYTHING." Kiev sneered.  
  
"Just.. move." Rover hoisted his bag over top of his back, nearly dwarfing its holder. "...gack..." he toppled over, collapsing facefirst into the pond.  
  
In an attempt to make this transition as painless as possible, it has been suggested by the author and several other reliable sources that the scene be played at fast forward. At this time we suggest you play the most ridiculously upbeat instrumental MP3 you have. This has been tested with both the Benny Hill theme and the Saber Dance. Your mileage may vary.  
  
Thus a particularly amusing scene commenced, with Rover dropping his gigantic bag on his toe four times, and Kiev accidently stepping off a ravine and landing on his head.  
  
It was late into the evening when Kiev and Rover stepped over another hill, cresting the horizon once again as the sky finally reached pitch darkness. Rover limped on his good foot, dragging his bag along, while Kiev still rubbed the bandage on his head. "...graaahh.. where the hell is Helle?"  
  
Rover stared distastefully at Kiev.  
  
Kiev shook his head. "My bad."  
  
Rover turned back, staring down at the grass. "...does this look funny to you?"  
  
"Until you ruined it."  
  
"No, I mean, look..." Rover gestured down at the ground. "...this grass is worn down. I think we're getting close to a settlement. Maybe it might be Helle."  
  
Kiev curiously stuck his head over the hill. What he saw both brightened and darkened him. There was a vast plain with hills and valleys, with several lit houses scattered along a winding stone path. More light rose from beyond a grove of trees that seemed to stretch miles. Kiev casually glanced to the side, where a large sign stood. On it in messy spraypaint read "WELCOME TO HELLEL HEEL HELLE" the first two names were blocked out by huge blotches of paint but were still easily readable.  
  
Rover slumped over the edge. "Well, this must be the place."  
  
Kiev pivoted. "...now?"  
  
Rover blinked. "...what do you mean, 'now'?"  
  
Kiev tensed. "We're hauling several metric tons of clothes and toiletries and other essentials that I'm too pissed off to name off, I'm tired, you're tired, and for what we know the next train could come in the next millenia! WHERE DO WE GO?!" Kiev was ready to drop his bag and start strangling his travel partner, but decided against it should he have to go through the back-breaking stress of having to pick it up again.  
  
Rover nodded, letting his eyes flutter as he stanced himself. "Oh, it's all about survival. You gotta start from the bottom and work your way up. We're gonna live on the streets. Build up some funds. Then we can start thinking about bigger and better things."  
  
"I see a big cobblestone road and four houses!" Kiev spat.  
  
"We gotta get some money, first," Rover spoke cooly. "I doubt your savings can carry us as long-"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"..uh... OUR savings. Right. What did I say..." Rover cleared his throat. "Anyways, I've got some nonessentials I can sell. How about you? We can do a little street selling, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Isn't that illegal?" Kiev tilted his head.  
  
"Hey, this is a little hamlet! Do you think anyone'll care?"  
--------  
The police dog sat at his desk, his elbows resting as he twiddled his thumbs. He glanced between Kiev and Rover, hunched into tiny chairs and staring at him like ghosts. His stare dug into both of them like a knife. "I hope you two have something to say for yourselves."  
  
"It was his idea." Kiev and Rover chorused, pointing at each other.  
  
"I don't know who the hell either of you are..." the officer's voice suddenly raised in pitch, making both culprits jump. "...but you're going to respect the law in this neck of the woods, just like anywhere else! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLE-" he paused as his voice squeaked out. "...do I make myself clear..."  
  
Both Kiev and Rover nodded furiously.  
  
The officer buried his head in his one hand, stretching his other out. "...man.. I've NEVER been good at this serious punishment thing... you two... go away and stuff..."  
  
Kiev and Rover both departed their chairs, leaving the single-room police station and stepping out into the cool night air. By now, the once field of beacons was now completely dark, save for the cramped office they had just left. They both stepped forward, heading off in no particular direction at all.  
  
"What's your next brilliant idea? I'm dying to hear." Kiev chimed.  
  
"Okay, okay... just listen. Maybe I was a little out there... maybe there's... a hotel? Or... even low-cost housing?"  
  
"Low cost housing?! I started my day by leaping on that train hoping I could rent a decent little house, or at least a fairly large apartment block, and I'm going to wind up in low cost housing?!?" The words seemed to echo like a death sentence in Kiev's ears. Low cost housing. Low cost housing. Well, they were, as a matter of fact, actually resonating. The voice in the night found its way deep within the bushes, where a wild animal's ears perked. With a sniffle, it slowly, quietly navigated the bushes, attempting to find the source of the discussion.  
  
"LOW COST HOUSING!" Kiev stamped his feet.  
  
"Well, what's YOUR bright idea? Huh?" Rover leant dangerously close to Kiev.  
  
The figure's eyes narrowed. It began to move, from a crawl to a walk, from a walk to a run, from a run to a windsprint. Its prey was finally in sight. Soon, they too would be assimilated. It zeroed in on the bickering human and cat, its toothy grin widening in anticipation as it homed in on its target.  
  
Kiev suddenly paused, leaving Rover to try to slow his own verbal barrage down. "...do you hear something?"  
  
"...I don't like the feeling..."  
  
With a mighty roar, a pair of bright eyes lanced out of the darkness, moments before the beast leapt from the bushes, ready to attack his two victims in one fell swoop.  
"HELLOOOOOOOOO!" a raccoon leapt out of the bush, flailing his limbs.  
  
"GIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Kiev and Rover turned white, turning to sprint away - instead plowing into each other, sending them sprawling across the road with a painful thud.  
  
The raccoon froze in place with his arms in the air, watching in confusion as the two bodies writhed on the ground trying to right themselves. He reached up, taking off his glasses-and-moustache. "...um... hello?"  
  
Both Kiev and Rover turned towards the attacker, beet red. In a flash they were back on their feet, already advancing on him with fists raised. Rover paused as he examined him, managing to hold back Kiev as he vented. "You leap out of the bushes like a banshee to say HELLO?! You FREAK!!"  
  
"...you should see the looks on most peoples' faces when I do that... even if I've done it to them a million times before. It's always worth the effort."  
  
Rover was nearly drug away by Kiev. "...you really look familiar. Are you related to Tom Nook? He's the manager of the Nook 'n Go in my hometo-"  
  
"I AM Tom Nook." Nook suddenly blurted monotonously. "I'm the manager of Helle's local Nookway and head of the tourism department of Helle. How can I possibly help you? Asides from your low-cost housing situation?"  
  
"...ri-ight..." Rover blinked.  
  
"You were listening...?" Kiev now looked as confused as Rover.  
  
"I'm the problem solver of Helle, so to speak." Nook exerted a particularly dull laugh. "It would seem to interest you that I own a small portion of real estate in our little town of Helle. You insist you need a place to stay?... well, as a matter of fact, I am currently trying to sell a house for the low, low price of 10,000 bells!"  
  
Kiev attempted to ignore his perpetrator's extremely artificial tone. "...um.. well, see, we're not really interested in BUYING a house in Helle, as per say... we're more interested in renting one out for the time being... for the right pri-"  
  
"No can do!" Nook suddenly chorused. "This house is for sale! Or lease! No rent!"  
  
Rover shrugged. "Hey, we'll buy i-" he was instantly throttled as Kiev drug him into the bush. Shoving him up against a tree, Kiev moved in closer. "...what's... the big deal?!"  
  
Kiev grimaced. "Are you KIDDING?! I only have 11,000 bells here to work with! I can't just BUY a house that I'm not going to be using once I'm OUT of Helle! You do NOT survive in the the CITY with 1000 BELLS!"  
  
"Are you leaving Helle?" Nook peered right over Kiev's shoulder. Kiev in response dropped his grip on Rover, letting out a shriek as he hopped back.  
  
"Will you GIVE us a little privacy?!" Kiev refitted his hat. "...no, we're not permanent residents of Helle. First train that comes by, we're movin' out!"  
  
Nook frowned. "I'm afraid that might not be possible."  
  
Kiev facefaulted. "What do you MEAN it isn't possible?! We wait for the train, steal a ride and get the hell out of here! What's there not to understand?!"  
  
"Well, according to the newswire, just yesterday there was supposedly a train hijack, one that was headed to pass Helle. One of the attendants was held hostage, and though the attacker was thrown off the train, all lines in this region of Anima are being shut down until a proper investigation can be conducted as to the means of attack, motive of attack, possible affiliations of the subject with any major hijacking groups, et cetera."  
  
"HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!" Kiev screamed.  
  
"...ah, actual forensic investigations should begin sometime in the next month, I believe."  
  
"...THIS IS TOO CRUEL!!" Kiev spun around, winding up as he slammed his fist into the trunk of the tree behind him. "NOW what do I do?!"  
  
Rover tugged nervously at his collar. "With all due respect, I have places to go, too. But we're not going to get anywhere at this rate. Maybe we should just... settle down in Helle for a while until things clear up. You know? As soon as we get a ticket out of Helle, we'll just pawn the house."  
  
Nook shook his head. Rover stared on in shock. "...wha?"  
  
"You know how long I've waited to get someone into this house?" Nook frowned. "I can't guarantee I'll still have all the money you've given me, should you decide to. I've got a store to take care of, debts to pay... that house is my lifeline right now, the profits I obtain from it. If you were to sell it, you'd need to sell it to someone else - there's no guarantee I'd ever have that sum of money back necessary to rebuy it."  
  
"That's a chance we'll have to take." Rover sighed. "Kiev? You 'kay with that?"  
  
"...I don't even care anymore." Kiev waved lifelessly as he remained leaning against the large pine.  
--------  
Deals were made, money changed hands, and soon Kiev and Rover obtained full ownership sans utilities of a small, relatively well-maintained shack at the far side of the field, sitting at the foot of a cliff. The house, or the 'slum of Helle', as Kiev lovingly and repeatingly referred to it, quickly filled up with both of their belongings. No appliances. Food would have to wait for another day. In the second of two rooms in the house, a very bland living room-ish arrange with a large pane glass window facing the bland cliff (the only one in the house, of course), Rover set up his luxurious sleeping bag while Kiev sat poised on an inch-thick foam mattress.  
  
"So," Rover sighed. "Any big plans for tomorrow?"  
  
"You?" Kiev wheezed back.  
  
"...I think I'm going to die here."  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious."  
  
"...might as well make ourselves aquainted with the populace."  
  
"...over my dead body."  
  
"...good night."  
  
"...fuck you."  
  
Thus the stars shone brightly, showing absolutely no pretense whatsoever to the literal purgatory Kiev and Rover would eventually head through on their passive adventure to their destinations.  
  
Good night, everybody.  
"..."  
  
"I figured I shouldn'tve left my cell phone at home."  
  
"Shut up already..."  
--------  
  
Chapter 2: Whipping Boys  
In which our heroes become aquainted with Helle's senile populace, Rover learns the secrets of Nook's success, Kiev learns the true value of hard work, many air mattresses meet their death, Anima's mass transit undergoes budget revamping and much environmental destruction goes unchecked.  
  
---------  
Ultimanium  
  
Comments? Queries? Death threats?  
ultimanium@hotmail.com 


	2. Whipping Boys

Once again, the wind rustled, the birds chirped, the sun shone, and morning dew glistened.  
  
But it all meant roughly jack.  
  
A half-awake Kiev, still in the same clothes from the night before, waddled over to the window in the living room to check the status of the sky. The giant rock face that took up his entire view didn't help considerably. Grumbling, he turned around, stumbling towards the door one room over and tripping over Rover's clumped-up sleeping bag in the process.  
  
WHUMP  
  
Two minutes later, after much inner cursing and a large crack in the warped boarding floor, Kiev ducked into the decrepit bathroom, changing into fresher clothing and fighting off a three-foot cockroach in the process. He stepped out, dusting himself off as he drunkenly stomped towards the front door of the house. He gave the handle a twist, jumping back in shock as the entire door crashed down to the side. Eventually he stepped out into the sunlight. The only way out of the grove his shack was settled in was a wide cobblestone road that pierced out both sides of the foilage.  
  
"Sir!" he heard a shrill voice call out. As he turned, he was momentarily blinded by the sun as a large slab of wood flew through the air and hit him in the face, causing him to tumble backwards off the porch.  
  
WHUMP  
  
"I hope you're happy." Rover droned. Kiev slowly lifted his head. Rover was knelt down to his side, wearing an obnoxiously large yellow visor as he chipped away at the ground with a spade. On his other side was a long line of various flowers. "Those were the tulips."  
  
"As much as I'd enjoy WHUMPing you right now, it's getting redundant."  
  
WHUMP  
  
Kiev's eyes bugged out as his end of the porch slid off its supports, pounding him into the ground.  
********  
  
Helle  
Chapter 2: Whipping Boys (In which the fruit turns sour)  
  
********  
Kiev laid passed-out on his air mattress, while Rover continued tinkering with the small coffee machine that sat across the room on the floor. "I heard the newspaper comes daily."  
  
"Yes. And I felt it." Kiev rubbed his head as he examined the large wooden slate. "...it's not extremely papery."  
  
"See, in a small villa such as this, access to pulp-paper resources is extremely limited." Rover said matter-of-factly.  
  
"This is a bit pushing it..." Kiev held out the engraved bark, starting to read it. "...what kind of 'news' can you get out in a pit such as this, anyways?" Kiev continued to read the top side of the panel, which consisted entirely of Nook-'n-Go advertisements. He finally turned the slate over, starting to read the back. "...what the..."  
  
"Something an issue?" Rover said blankly as he watched the coffee machine self-destruct. He took his shirt off, wringing it free of lukewarm java.  
  
"Helle Celebrates Planted Tree - Hornsby thoughtfully planted this tree a week and a half ago, and to celebrate its progress we will have free apple juice and hot dogs in acre E2! Everyone welcome!" Kiev shook his head.  
  
"Can you blame them?" Rover sighed. "Living in a tiny town like this gives you a little less oppritunity for a breaking scoop."  
  
"This place is about as exciting as green bean casserole, from the looks of things." Kiev was interrupted by a loud knock at the door. Or what was left of it. Kiev stood up, tossing the newspanel to the side. He made his way to the entrance of the building, where Nook was bent over, slamming his fist into the door that lied on the ground. Kiev stared blankly at the shopkeeper.  
  
"...oh.. uh! Hey!" Nook stood up. "It's about time you answered!"  
  
"What.." Kiev gestured towards the door. "the hell are you doing?"  
  
"Well, it would be rude not to knock, would it?"  
  
Kiev blinked. He shook his head again. "...just.. forget about it. If you ever need to come in.. just..."  
  
"Okay!" Nook chimed. He happily frolicked in, leaving Kiev standing outside. Kiev turned and walked back into the house, growling to himself. He slowed down as he could hear Nook around the corner. "...wow, this place sure is boring!"  
  
"You talk." Kiev muttered under his breath. "Yeah, it isn't very exciting, I know. With.. no furniture and all."  
  
Nook stood in the void living room. "That's horrible. Every house should have some kind of furniture... ah, yes, you're.. Rover, right? You bought a coffee machine from my lovely establishment this morning, right?" he stepped over, slapping his hand on the cat's shoulder, making him jump. "How's it working for you?"  
  
"It's-"  
  
"That's great to hear." Nook laughed. "Say, what's with the empty room?"  
  
"We... just moved here." Rover sighed. "You moved us here."  
  
"Oh, yes, that's right... but still... you're here, why's the room empty?"  
  
"Because getting a SOFA, COFFEE TABLE, DINING SET, CARPETING AND BED THROUGH CUSTOMS ALL AT ONCE WOULD HAVE RAISED SOME CONCERNS!! Kiev shrieked. Rover glanced to the side, listening with a frown to his partner's ragged breaths.  
  
Nook glanced over his shoulder. "Is something the matter? What about Ned?"  
  
Rover raised an eyebrow. "What.. Ned?"  
  
"'ey!" a deep voice buzzed out. "I'm on the can!"  
  
"Still?" Nook shouted back. "You've been there for a week now!"  
  
"'eah! I was doin' just fine until that little snot-nosed punk shoved his way in here!"  
  
".....WHAT?!" Kiev stomped up to the door, beating it. "This is OUR house, we didn't pay for it to have a sentinent three-foot cockroach dictating when I can and can't go to the bathroom!"  
  
Rover sighed. "We... have no money for furniture. You already took all our money."  
  
Nook blinked. "I did? Oh my. That is simply a disaster."  
  
Rover shrugged. "Do you.. happen to know if there's anywhere around here we could probably find a job, for the time being at least?"  
  
"FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK!" Nook suddenly cried. "As luck should have it, I need help in MY store! You two could work at the Nook-'n-Go! Obtain valuable work experience for real-world application! Convienient hours! Progressive pay system! How does it sound?"  
  
Kiev screamed. Rover chuckled nervously. "...there's got to be some kind of catch?"  
  
"GOOD! YOU'RE ON! I'LL SEE YOU SOON!" and Nook skipped happily out the door, somehow making it down the stairs and off the porch before it slid off its supports again, crashing to the ground.  
  
Rover, meanwhile, still scratched his head. "...well, perchance we have a little money..." he was immediately strangled by Kiev.  
  
"You MORON!" Kiev shrieked. "Do you have any idea what you've just DONE?! You've just signed our souls away to that ditz/moron/idiot/sneak/panhandler!! We're ruined!!"  
  
Rover sweatdropped. "He might seem a little... strange in the head... but maybe he's not the bad guy you think he is.. and he graciously gave us a job... even.. if I didn't say yes..." Rover coughed. "But who knows, if people see us getting up and being responsible in the community, maybe they'd be a little friendlier and more accomodating to us in the long run."  
  
"In the long run I want to be as far away from this place as possible." Kiev droned.  
  
"And away from my bathroom while you're at it!" Ned grunted.  
********  
Two hours later...  
********  
Kiev and Rover entered the Nook-'n-Go, the bright green structure by the train station that looked suspiciously a century ahead architecturally-wise of any other building in the town. The interior just looked like any other corner grocery store the two had been to in their seperate lives, with some minor... differences. Kiev, for one, was somewhat curious as to why a grocery store would sell very large axes, and was also confused by the aisle dedicated entirely to stationary. They both stepped up to the counter. Suddenly Nook rose up from behind the cash register, wearing an excessively large apron with a leaf on it.  
  
"So..." Kiev echoed. "What do we do? And stuff?"  
  
"First, I think I should give you your uniforms." Nook bent down, digging underneath the counter. Finally he stood back up, placing a pair of aprons, slightly smaller than his but otherwise identical in design, in sight of the two.  
  
Rover picked up his, tying it around his waist. "Well, this is certainly turning out a lot better than I thought it would."  
  
Nook shrugged. "I said nothing about putting them on right now. Actually, I have some different uniforms for you for the time being."  
  
Kiev sighed.  
********  
The Nook-'n-Go stood tall, its interior lights shut off as it was nearly noon, and sunlight kept the store using next to no electricity. Outside, the same handful of animal people that visited Nook's every so often shuffled in and out, spectating the store's supposed "sales". Outside stood Kiev and Rover.  
  
In gorilla and banana costumes, respectively.  
  
"This is certainly turning out a lot better than I thought it would." Kiev mocked.  
  
"Oh, shut up." Rover murmured.  
  
Both leant over. The tide of people, at least for a village this small, was beginning to cease, thankfully. Two catgirls were conversing as they walked along, headed in the two's direction. Kiev and Rover exchanged sad glances before standing up from their benches. Kiev suddenly leapt out into the patrons' path, flexing his false muscles as he did so. "Graaah! Ugg go bananas for Anima's import... bananas." Rover hopped out, hindered greatly by his much more obscure uniform. He just waved his arms a bit.  
  
Both customers stepped around the two, obviously scarred for life.  
  
"Dear me," one of them squeaked. "One must obviously be pressed for money to drop to that level."  
  
"Indeed, Olivia. Shall we go for tea?"  
  
"That would be wonderful, Monique."  
  
Kiev turned his attention back to the path. Rover, meanwhile, still kept his tired eyes on Monique. He turned to get a better view, swinging the heavy bottom end of the suit right into Kiev's groin.  
  
WHUMP  
  
"I thought we were clear on the WHUMP thing. Gooohh..." Kiev crumbled to the ground while Rover continued to stare.  
  
"Wha.. huh.." Rover shook his head. "Are you.. alright there?" he stretched his hand out, pulling Kiev and his bulky outer layer back onto its feet.  
  
"Minus my respect for you. How long is this going to last, anyways? It's friggin' hot in this thing..."  
  
"No one's around... it should be safe to take a break." Rover gestured towards a convieniently placed stump, accompanied by a suitably large log. Both masquerades waddled over to their seats, falling on top of them. They both sat hunched, sweating under the midday sun, their bulky outfits helping little.  
  
"My confidence is rapidly falling." Kiev huffed.  
  
"Don't worry... this should be over soon." Rover sat up. "Well, I can bear it, at least we're earning a buck. What bad could really happen? It's not like anyone of any real importance is seeing us like this."  
********  
MEANWHILE...  
  
"I'm glad you've all come," the man chuckled, brushing the dust off his dress shirt. He took a long swig from his NASA mug before letting it drop sharply to the table. "I think we've made a quantum leap in long distance photography with our latest Doppler rendition."  
  
"That's great," the other man, much bulkier, rubbed his chin. "We're currently debating which systems would give us the best balance between efficient data transfer and visible picture for our Mars venture, within our budget. You have some convincing to do."  
  
The proposer let out a high pitch chuckle. "As a matter of fact, we already have the surveilance software installed into our own corporate satellite. As it stands, we can employ it, with the right security clearance, and get a high-definition photograph of any point in the western hemisphere. Our tests show it could reach much, much further, however."  
  
"...really. Could you show me?"  
  
"Okay... just gotta enter a longitude/latitude value... I'll just go with something random for demonstration's sake..." he took out a small cellphone-sized device, punching the buttons on it. He plugged it into a nearby computer monitor. "Alright. The command is processing, we should have a decent scan of that point... I wonder if I set the zoom settings right..."  
  
With a loud crackle, the monitor suddenly lit to life, its pixels suddenly sharpening as it showed a picture from above what seemed like a large convienience store. Several animal-people were walking from the facility, and while trees blocked most of the terrain out, most of the front of the building was easily discernable.  
  
"...dear God..." the prospector leant forward in his chair, climbing partway out of it. "...is that..."  
  
"It would appear to be a gorilla and a giant banana." the man adjusted his shades. "...hmm... we still have a few kinks to work out here and there, but we should have a working beta by the end of the year."  
  
"Leave what you have here. I'll give you a status report in a week."  
  
"Thank you, sir. I seriously hope you'll consider our system." the man got up, picking up his clipboard as he left, closing the door with a slam.  
  
The worker waited until long after the footsteps had ceased before falling back in his chair. "...ooh... this is too fucking good.. a gorilla and a giant banana... wait 'til the crew sees this." he reached forward, tapping the RECORD button on the hand module before sitting back down.  
********  
"..." Kiev sat on the log, arms folded as he stared absentmindedly at the sky. He glanced over to the store, where Nook strolled out, arms behind his back. "...please... tell me-"  
  
"I think that'll be good for the day. I think the usual traffic has subsided for the day."  
  
"We've been out here two hours," Rover butted in. "and saw six people."  
  
"Yes, I know. It's been quite a busy day, hasn't it? Well, anyways, I need some help inside, and I have a couple of errands for you to run. Let's hurry along now."  
  
"I would be optimistic about this kind of thing... but it would make a bad situation worse. Let's just get out of these things..." Rover tried to reach around his back for the zipper to his costume, but the ten inches that his arms stuck out of his costume didn't give him much room. "...um.. some help here?"  
  
"Why should I listen to anything anymore?" Kiev huffed. "This day's already been murder. I'm dehydrated, I'm tired, I have to go the bathroom against the wishes of a giant cockroach, and my life is a general mess."  
  
Rover frowned. "Kiev, don't look at it like that. We'll make it through this and get out of Helle. Now, let's just see what Nook wants..."  
  
Kiev sighed. "Yeah, but you know, right, it just seems that everything I merely think about goes wrong." Kiev planted the gorilla's arms against the log, pushing himself off it. He didn't notice the log begin to roll down the hill.  
  
The log continued to roll down the hill, picking up speed until it hit a rotting tree. The log deflected off, continuing down the hill.  
  
The tree fell over, smashing another decomposed log apart.  
  
This log was the only thing keeping a large boulder from rolling further down the hill.  
  
With a crash, the boulder started down the hill.  
  
The boulder went over a dip in the ground, launching it into the air and into a ravine.  
  
The boulder quickly rolled to a stop, wedged in the canal and stopping the water flow.  
  
Lily the frog was ironing in the house with the well that drew from the ravine at the point just in front of the boulder.  
  
Suddenly, the shirt she was pressing caught flame.  
  
She ran to the tap in an attempt to put out the flame. There was no water.  
  
The log finally reached the bottom of its descent, rolling down and bouncing off another dip in the ground, smashing through the window and pinning Lily to the ground.  
********  
Rover glanced up. "Did you hear that?"  
  
Kiev sat with his face pressed into his hands, reading a 1953 issue of Time in the lobby of Nook's office. "What?"  
  
"...meh, I'm hearing things." he reached over, grabbing another magazine.  
  
Nook suddenly burst out of his office, carrying several very large burlap sacks. "Very well! Alright, it's starting to get early in the evening... I find this a perfect time to pick some fruit!"  
  
Kiev and Rover glanced over to the large stack of crates of import bananas in the corner.  
  
"We could always use some more. Have to have more than potassium and vitamin A in your diet, you know."  
  
"Is this a bureaucracy or a grocery store?"  
  
"Bur..aw.. cras.."  
  
"Forget it." Kiev reached over, grabbing both sacks from Nook's hands. "Let's just get this over with."  
  
Both Kiev and Rover stepped out of the Nook-'n-Go with their burlap sacks tossed over their shoulders. Rover sniffed gingerly at the air. Kiev glared at him. "Oh, now what..."  
  
"Does anything smell funny to you?"  
  
Kiev breathed deep. "If I didn't know any better, someone's having a BBQ. I wonder what you could get to cook in a place like this, though..."  
  
"Reminds me of some custom cuisine I had one time. Ah.. what was it.. yeah, Chinatown where I lived.. frogs' legs! That was it."  
  
"That's disgusting." Kiev said dully.  
  
"Hey, don't knock it 'till you've tried it." Rover slung his bag back over his shoulder. "Alright, now... what do we do.. any idea what fruit we were actually supposed to get?"  
  
"Cherries, cherries and cherries? That's all I've seen since I got here... save for bananas. And I really don't want to think about bananas anymore."  
  
Rover nodded sadly. "Now look what you've done..."  
  
"...there we go." Kiev pointed towards a tree down the hill. It, of course, was bursting with cherries from every angle - as was every other tree in the area. Rover ran to the tree, grappling around it and giving it a good jolt. All at once the berries rained from the tree, droping softly to the ground as Kiev raced around the other side, shoveling them into his bag. "...that was dandy." he stood up, wiping the juice from his hands. "...there's something wrong with this."  
  
"What?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Oh, yeah, we got our pay for the masquerading..."  
  
"Aaaand..."  
  
"I believe it was 30 Bells an hour."  
  
Kiev let his head drop against the tree. "I feel content now."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Content that I don't have to keep thinking that something stupid is going to happen to us and rest with the fact that it has."  
  
Rover blinked. "Well, as much as I'd like to get out of working for Nook, there's not much we could d-"  
  
"How much do you think this fruit is worth?"  
  
Rover shook his head. "You just can't sneak it out from under Nook's nose like that, he's a bit smarter than th-"  
  
Kiev stared blankly at Rover.  
  
"...well, I guess that's a bit overdoing it... but you know what I mean. And if you were to get it out, what would you do with it? Where would you sell it?"  
  
"If we can't run a street shop..." Kiev suddenly brightened. "We'll run a home business!"  
********  
The police dog's chair swiveled around. "I thought I'd seen the last of you two."  
  
Kiev grinned. "Say there mister Copper, would you be interested in purchasing some-"  
  
"No." Copper muttered.  
  
"...hm.." Kiev tugged at his collar. "Alrighty then. Say, while we're talking, I'm not entirely sure if what we're doing is illegal.. you know, we weren't street-peddleing..."  
  
"You were selling the property of Tom Nook." Copper never turned his head, instead examining the day's newstablet. Kiev sunk considerably in his chair. "If I'm not mistaken, that's a tiny bit worse. Nook might be a bit dull, but I for one aren't."  
  
Kiev leapt out of his chair. "HIS property? We were at least a mile from Nook's! How much of this place does he OWN?"  
  
Copper shrugged. "Hey, it's not my concern. If you're so very interested you should get in contact with the mayor, Tortimer. I do believe he has this all recorded, a lot better than the fat moron I have here working part-time has been able to document." Copper dropped his feet to the floor, swiveling the chair. "BOOKER!! Are you about done?!"  
  
"...uh... one sugar? Or two? Or six?... um... sweetener?"  
  
"TWO SUGAR, NO SWEETENER. Get it through your thick skull."  
  
"...uh... okay, I got that... I think..." there was a loud crash from the back room. "...this isn't good... I think..."  
  
Copper turned, nearly impaling Kiev on his outstretched finger. "YOU. I don't want to see YOU or your little cat friend in here again, or I'm going to have to get the peoples' jury in here. And you won't like the peoples' jury. Where IS he, anyways?"  
  
Kiev twiddled his thumbs. "I think he went back to return the sacks... I think."  
********  
"That's the LAST time I listen to that... um... yeah..." Rover continued to slump over the rolling hills from the police station to the Nook-'n-Go, its illuminated spinning sign a beacon in the evening skies. Though certainly not a pleasant one. He continued crawling along, slowing down as lights pierced out from the bushes. He screeched to a halt as a penguin suddenly lowered from the tree. Rover shrieked as he turned the other way to run, but collided heads with a different penguin, toppling it out of the tree.  
  
Both Rover and his accidental target rubbed their heads. The grounded bird, in an extremely large red sweater, slowly pushed herself to her feet. "Your head... hon..."  
  
"You're scaring me." Rover clawed at his head.  
  
"Somebody's working the night shift for Nook, hmm?" the other hummed. The head ducked into the trees. Shortly after, the penguin dropped out again, with a much softer landing than his counterpart. He was a bit smaller, with a blue sweater embroidered with some kind of G-symbol. "You're new around here?"  
  
"Yeah. Got here the other day, and-"  
  
"Nook gave you a job... it always starts that way... well, whatever, carry on, do your little delivery, shoo, shoo."  
  
Rover blocked off the penguins as they coupled together. "Hang on. Who are you? Both?"  
  
"Cube." the blue one said dully.  
  
"Gwen." the other sighed. "You poor, poor soul, entering Helle like this. It's such a pity that we can't notify you people beforehand."  
  
"Notify me about what?" Rover's head twisted in confusion. "You mean you were offered a job at Nook's too?"  
  
"Don't you know, hun?" Gwen said cooly. "We've ALL been offered jobs at the Nook-'n-Go."  
  
"Didn't last there long, though." Cube kicked at the ground. "Not many people do. Not even Hornsby lasted long at labor duties."  
  
"So you were fired." Rover sat down on a nearby rock. "...tell me more."  
  
"The majority of this village worked for Nook at some point or another. But, like I said, most of us are laid off or on permanent leave. You ask how an entire town can be employed? That is a big store not to be employed. Though for the most part it stays underrun."  
  
"So if you don't work, how do you sustain yourselves?" Rover rubbed his chin.  
  
"You notice this is a relatively low-technology village? For the most part we live on our own. We only really head to Nook if we absolutely need what he offers... if you ask me, I think he might have some really underhanded impact on Helle."  
  
"Really." Rover remained still, continuing to listen.  
  
"You know..." Cube glanced to the pair of leaf-embroidered potato sacks clumped up in Rover's hand. "...as a matter of fact, I don't think Nook has his place open at this time of night. Are you sure you can get in there? I don't think even I'VE been in there this late..."  
  
"He doesn't know yet about our little thievery... I think I'll just be able to buzz and deliver the bags..."  
  
"Suit yourself, hun," Gwen blurted. "We need to get home and into bed. I do believe we'll be seeing more of you in Helle, I assume?"  
  
Rover nodded. "Uh-huh."  
  
"Well, good luck, hun. We'll be seeing you around."  
  
Rover stood up, beginning to move away. "Thanks... you too." as he disappeared into the bush, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of curiosity as to what was happening behind Nook-'n-Go's closed doors.  
********  
The thunder crackled as the cherry-borne Kiev stormed up the porch, stepping inside the doorframe as yet again the porch crashed off its supports. He was tied between pondering who kept repairing his porch; let alone HALF repaired it, and finding shelter from the rapidly approaching rainstorm, and his mind was set. He obtained a garbage bag and hastily tied it over the door to form a crude curtain. His hat was already soaked. Kiev would still not remove it, because it was one of those little Animal Crossing mysteries that he would not even elaborate on even in a situation as odd as this.  
  
"'ey! Hope you did your business elsewhere 'cause I ain't movin' an inch! Ohh... that's the stuff... ahhh..."  
  
Kiev stormed past the bathroom, down the hall to the living room. His air mattress lied in torn pieces of fluff. "What the hell?"  
  
"Shaddup!!"  
  
Kiev shook his head in frustration. He kicked the mattress out of the way, dropping his cherries. "I was caught stealing them... no one said I had to give them back... now that THAT'S settled... where to sleep..." Kiev dug in his dufflebag, pulling out another two pillows. "...grahh.. this'll have to do..."  
  
"'ey! That yer air mattress?"  
  
"...why?"  
  
"Because I was out of toilet paper, an'-"  
  
"RRAAGHHH!!" Kiev nearly tore his pillows apart. "MY BED IS NOT TOILET PAPER!!"  
  
"'ey, who's the bathroom master here, me or you?!"  
  
"AND I AM THE MASTER OF THE TOILET PAPER!!" Kiev threw down his pillows, leaping down on top of them. He took the last one, wrapping it around his head as he hid himself in his "bed". Upon further recollection, he was impatiently awaiting the full and utter purchase of their plot of Helle, just for the sheer pleasure of legitimately evicting their "bunkmate".  
********  
"...somebody?" Rover walked up to the back entrance of the Nook-'n-Go as rain started to pound him and his surroundings. He waited at the large door, the bright red light of the EXIT sign blurred by the falling mist. He slowly walked up to the door, knocking lightly. He was surprised to find the door shove upon at his gesture. Rover glanced around sheepishly before sliding quietly in, shoving the door to its previous position. He found himself in an appropriately bland hallway, with no Nook in sight. "...that's odd... well, I guess he wouldn't mind if I just returned this to where he could find it..." Rover began to move slowly down the corridor, watching the signs on the doors as he moved by them. He came to a pair of double doors - a storage room. The room beyond was darkened. Rover jiggled the handle. It was locked.  
  
"...hmm..." Rover glanced to his side. A simple set of metal stairs sat to his side. He quickly hopped on it and began to climb upwards. A much shorter hallway awaited him, but he found another single door that also had the Nook logo and the engraved text STORAGE. He reached over, twisting the handle slowly. The door slid open without a sound, unlike the others he had encountered. He moved in, onto a balcony crowded with crates of goods. A simple refridgerator sat with the other perishables, obviously used for meat or dairy or some other import. Rover was surprised to glance down from his lookout and see a simple wooden table set up down on the crowded floor. Nook sat at it, looking into what looked like a laptop.  
  
Rover hid behind a crate. "...what is he doing?..."  
  
"Import bananas seem to be doing fine..." the raccoon reached down, tapping several buttons on the keypad. "...ooh.. those were better than I thought... I wish I could get more..." he continued tapping buttons until the machine emitted an odd beep. "...now what..."  
  
Rover's eyes narrowed as down on the screen, as a small window appeared in the corner of the computer's screen - showing another figure that looked exactly like the laptop's user. "What the..."  
  
"Why, hello there," the laptop 'spoke'. "Good sales today, I assume?"  
  
"I got a few more helping hands." Nook stretched. "Not much new. Have you been getting anything done, #4672?"  
  
"This Windfall place seems ready to be hit. As soon as Nookington's is up and running, I think we should have a good stranglehold on the economy. From what I hear, that should be the only center we need to control in that area - there don't seem to be any other worthwhile settlements in that sea. How about you, #2414?"  
  
"You heard me," Nook sighed. "Nothing much. Though I must say my goods are starting to dwindle. How much longer do we have to contend with Operation Triple Bypass?"  
  
"As long as we need to. We have to stay competitive." the other Nook slapped his fist against his outstretched hand. "The Nook-'n-Gos in the area may run a dry period, but it's a necessary sacrifice."  
  
Nook leant on the table. "Say, how's #1239 doing? I haven't heard from him in a while."  
  
"Not much luck. Though I hear he might be expanding his inventory to include semi-automatic weapons."  
  
Nook nodded. "Ah."  
  
Rover scratched his head. "What the hell is going on here? There's something not right with all of this... especially this Triple Bypass stuff... I don't know why, but I'm thinking we have a part in this... I wonder if Cube and Gwen know anything about this..." sliding backwards, Rover began to make his way back to the door. The sacks could wait a bit. He had more pressing matters to deal with.  
  
Keeping Ned and Kiev apart, for one thing.  
********  
  
Chapter 3 - Stuff  
In which yet more people make their appearance, Nook sounds exponentially more obscure, the porch falls yet again, Hornsby comes to the rescue, the carpet sale becomes a little more interesting, Kiev practices Feng Shui, random objects rain from the sky, the KGB arrive on the scene, NASA staff become incredibly bored, and much more.  
  
********  
"...I AM THE MASTER OF THE TOILET PAPER!!"   
Ultimanium  
Comments? Queries? Death threats?  
ultimanium@hotmail.com 


	3. Stuff

Again the sun rose and fell.  
  
While the familiar screeches and shouts and braking glass and other sounds of blunt objects coming into violent contact with each other rang out from the far corner of Helle, and the fairly large house that occupied the lot (where two people, who had apparently fallen off their train by some freak accident, one of which was in mortal combat with a giant cockroach), no one bothered to investigate the site where the apparent damages were taking place. No one needed to, for the most part. Or no one wanted to. On a morning such as this, with the torrential rainfall enduring from the night before, anyone leaving their respective hovel would receive a prompt stoning from the skies.  
  
As a matter of fact, everyone in town was already much awake, pertaining to any of their duties that didn't involve leaving the shelter of their homes. Except for one deprived soul.  
  
With a loud creak, the door to Hornsby's house forced itself open, the rapidly-growing puddle around his house flooding inside. As he forced his bulky frame and his large head through the opening, he reached around and began to force the door shut again.   
  
"Sir!" He immediately turned around, to be knocked down by a blow to the face, courtesy of a flying newstablet. As he picked himself up from the ground, he glanced around, noticing no one nearby. Shrugging, he unfolded his tattered parasol, holding it in front of himself against the wind as he pressed forward. Rain, wind, sleet or hail, nothing was going to stop him from pressing on with his normal daily schedule, even if it consisted entirely of "find something and eat it". Though if he wanted to boil the rice he had saved for a day like this, he would need... margarine. Prices at the Nook-'n-Go were on the rise - but perhaps those other people down the road, the only ones that seemed up at all today, would have some available for their friendly townsfolk.  
  
Thus, Hornsby began his journey against the storm. Though several blows to the head by clusters of basketball-sized hail threatened to turn him back, he eventually pressed on towards the house off in the distance. As he neared it, he could finally make out its features - it was much larger than the other houses in the area, and had a small front porch to boot. As he neared it, though, he noticed a rather bruised viking-helmeted person sitting in a lawnchair, arms folded.  
  
"What... are you doing... out here?" Horsnby asked dully.  
  
"...you see this porch." Kiev muttered. "It looks all shiny to you... this house looks all shiny to you... but this is hell. I can guarantee you that the minute you cross this porch it will crash to the ground.. much like anything else in this house."  
  
"...indeed."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"..." Hornsby sheepishly held out a large measuring cup, which quickly filled up with water. "...you wouldn't happen to have any margarine, would you? Or soya sauce?"  
  
Kiev paused. "...you came all the way here for that? Well... I guess I can't say no..." he stood up, flapping his shirt and dispelling the giant puddle growing in his lap. Suddenly he pivoted to the door, cupping his spherical hands to his face. "Hey, Rover! Do we have any margarine?!"  
  
"...we have some milk!" came the reply.  
  
Both Kiev and Hornsby exchanged glances. Kiev took another deep breath, cupping his hands again. "Do we have anything else?"  
  
"...we have some milk!" the voice called back.  
  
"Why don't we have any butter?!" Kiev shouted.  
  
"Margarine?" Hornsby corrected.  
  
"I didn't get groceries yesterday! Nook boosted all his prices by 20%." Rover called back, making his way to the doorway.  
  
"What do you MEAN, he raised prices?!" Kiev screeched. "Did we get a raise or something?!"  
  
"No! I did manage to get that lawn chair, though! And a card table!"  
  
"Thank you!" Kiev laughed bitterly. Shaking his head, he turned back to the distraught Hornsby. "Sorry, man, you're going to have to barter with Nook... unfortunately."  
  
Hornsby drooped. "Okay."  
  
Kiev frowned as he watched the blue rhino lumber away, obviously dreading his visit to the Nook-'n-Go, on the far side of Helle from their abode. Shaking his head, he stood up. He couldn't quite put a thumb on it, but the compassion he showed for his fellow citizen in the face of Nook was beginning to make him think. Though, it wasn't anything some physical abuse towards Ned couldn't fix. Folding the lawnchair, he shielded his face as he moved towards the porch. He climbed the stairs, striding across it.  
  
WHUMP  
  
Kiev sighed in disgust as the floor shifted beneath him, falling away from the house - and growled as he felt himself plunge through the heightened section with a deafening crack. Rover glanced outside as he passed by the front door, frowning as he proceeded to fetch the crowbar.  
  
********  
  
Helle  
  
Chapter 3: Stuff (in which 60% of people surveyed are evil)  
  
********  
  
Everything came full circle to Hornsby. Not even the Nook-'n-Go was open yet, and upon further recollection it was highly probable that no one would open their doors lest they be washed away in the rapidly rising tides. As far as he could recall, twenty minutes ago was the only time he had seen a cargo ship sail by his house.  
  
Nevertheless, he had scrounged up a small amount of margarine in his house from behind the toaster and was able to boil his rice. He had already seated himself on the couch, watching sports as he dug into the pot of grain. He was still a little concerned about what that person had said. Was Nook seriously considering increasing all prices in the store? Obviously he wouldn't try to do something like that, he knew he had the population of Helle to live up to!  
  
His eyes darted to the newstablet that sat on the coffee table. Reaching over, he gripped it between his flat hands, flipping it around so he could read it. The usual Nook-ads took up most of the available space, none of which concerned the price increase he had been warned of. It must have been false. What he WAS concerned with, however, was the sudden announcment of a carpet sale today. 'purging stock! discounts! come grab a carpet!', all in extravagant letters. He was preparing for a sale, probably the reason for his late opening. He glanced to the corner of the room, where a large section of the fabric was frayed from a small housefire several days before. He had a small amount of money saved... perhaps he could invest in a new carpet? What everything sat on was beginning to age anyways, so it couldn't possibly hurt anything.  
  
For the first time in a long, long while, Hornsby adjusted his schedule.  
  
********  
  
It was only two hours later that Kiev and Rover fought through the storm to the Nook-'n-Go, and were currently in the process of lugging the tied carpets out to the shelves, which had mysteriously emptied. As the racks slowly began to fill, Nook still remained in the back room, having moved not an inch from his seat from the night before.  
  
"We've been over this a million times before." Nook rubbed his sore eyes. "Your stupid carpet sale is being set up as we speak... and if you give me another fiscal report I am going to take this laptop and smash it over your head. Even through all that tedious technojargon I still don't understand why High Command insists on having the carpet sale in Helle... but what really is bothering me is the fact that all these carpets just appeared out of nowhere."  
  
"ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY AUTHORITY?!" the doppleganger Nook screeched through the tinny speakers of the laptop.  
  
"No! I..."  
  
"We've sent this last shipment of carpets to Helle... with... no, that is a secret... a very important secret! #2414, You will sell these carpets... yes... you will sell them to the disenfranchised citizens of Helle... and destroy them!! And when they have nowhere else to turn... they will join the State!!"  
  
"...yeah. I suppose you chose this place then because everybody here is, on the whole, the closest to bankruptcy?"  
  
"You are learning well, #2414! You will make a fine Party member! When you mission in Helle is complete, I will see to it that you are appointed high on my wing!"  
  
Nook twitched in his chair. "...alright. I'll just go out... and get that sale started then."  
  
Outside the storage room, beyond a simple, dented metal door, Rover lifted a persian rug onto the highest rack. As he dusted himself off, he glanced towards the small back exit, as a sudden surge of curiosity make itself known. He wanted to barge through that door, get back into that room... and find what Nook was planning... and what Triple Bypass would mean for Helle. But he had a paying job to keep. He pivoted, watching as Kiev struggled to place another much larger packaged mat on the top of the shelf. He finally threw it up onto the ledge, reeling backwards then ahead again as he tried to regain his breath.  
  
"...what do you think Nook does back there?" Rover still kept his eyes on the door, semi-aware what lied beyond it.  
  
"Probably plotting his takeover of planet Earth." Kiev was busy shoveling empty boxes out of his way as he exited the aisle on Rover's side. "Do I look like an ESP to you?"  
  
"Yes... yes you do." Rover sighed under his breath, his eyes still locked on the door. He was startled as the door suddenly flew open, Nook marching from its maw.  
  
"Do you have everything set up? The floormats? The bear rugs? The decorative pieces?" before either Kiev or Rover could lift a finger, Nook was already darting around the store, swapping items from one rack to another, switching them between aisles, and generally undoing all the work that they had both done over the past half-hour. "Augh... you have all these things in the wrong places. Do I have to do these things myself?"  
  
"I think I'm going to cry." Kiev droned.  
  
Nook neared the entrance, and took notice of the three dinghys that sat outside in the floodwaters - which had already stretched halfway up the shop window since Kiev and Rover got there. "Alright, they're waiting to get in - you, stand over there..." he stabbed a finger at the stand by the cashier, stocked with various brands of carpet cleaners. "And you... go over there." he gestured to the giant heap of cardboard boxes. "Stand, shut up, and look happy."  
  
"How couldn't I?" Kiev groaned as he slumped over to the mountain of empty containers.  
  
Nook stepped over, slamming an emergency-open button next to the sliding doors. They both parted with a honk, letting the floorwater in, and the three rafts. Outside for some particular reason the water level equaled out to what was in the Nook-'n-Go. The first boat slid to a halt directly in front of Rover - Hornsby hopped out, standing back up as he waded over to the shelf.  
  
"Welcome to our shop of fun and happy things." Rover said emotionlessly.  
  
Hornsby pivoted. "...oh, hey! Weren't you the one... without margarine?"  
  
"...we have milk." Rover responded dully. "I was intending on getting some margarine today until Nook here decided to throw this giant pointless carpet extravaganza and I lost access to the storeroom."  
  
Hornsby drooped. "...all that's available is... carpets? I was kind of thinking of getting some margarine.. too. Yeah."  
  
Awkward silence.  
  
"Yeah." both chorused.  
  
"What's the deal with that?" Rover pouted. "As a consumer I would think that I would be able to buy what I want, when I want, regardless of what newest fad in home accessorizing is hitting the market."  
  
"...yeah!" Hornsby mumbled.  
  
"Or whatever..." Rover suddenly dropped off as he watched Nook duck back into the storage room. "...situations arise."  
  
Nook quickly shut the door, shoving against the handle to lock it. He turned his attention to the laptop, which was emitting some kind of shrill siren-like noise. He strided over to it, seating himself. "Alright... what's going on here..." as soon as he deactivated the screen saver, he stared right into the overblown, suddenly bloodshot face of the other Nookite. "...uh.. did I come at a bad time?"  
  
"#2414! High command has announced an emergency! It would appear that #1098 has defected!"  
  
"That's.. horrible." Nook paused. "...what went on, exactly?"  
  
"I don't know for sure... but #1098 has crafted a home-built engine capable of moving on the Anima railway.. and he's completely ransacked his own Nook-compound in Belle, approximately 400 miles from your current position!"  
  
"So what do you want me to do?"  
  
The other Nookite's eyes darted from one side to the other. "Mention none of this to your comrades, any channel. And don't make sure any of this gets out to the Helle populace. Other than that, you must simply be prepared for anything that may arise, should the engine follow the route that passes by Helle. We cannot let his influence grow."  
  
"And what is High Command doing about this?"  
  
"Our KGB detatchment has already been dispatched from Cherryburg, exactly halfway between Helle and Belle. We've already given them the plans and approximated route of #1098, so we should be able to deal with this little revolution-in-progress. If those goods make it into a free market, our own wide-scale price increases will be shelled out for the world to see, and our empire will fall."  
  
Nook glanced back. "....oh boy."  
  
********  
  
MEANWHILE!!!   
  
The small handcar slowly rolled up to the train station at Cherryburg, manned by a single human - still with a viking hat. Several heavily armed people, all with the same headgear, stood atop the station platform, much to the distress of Porter. They all spoke extremely bad Russian, the effect only dampened by the fact that I don't have a utility to translate what I want to type right now to that particular language. Damn you, Babelfish, damn you to hell.  
  
(Ar har! Are we all set?)  
  
(Yes sir!)  
  
(Alright! We shall go to Belle!)  
  
(Belle! Yes... Belle...)  
  
(...)  
  
(Is something wrong?)  
  
(Which way is Belle?)  
  
(Ay, who gives a fuck... let's just catch that train over there.)  
  
(Come, comrades! To Belle!!)  
  
(*war cry*)  
  
********  
  
MEANWHILE!!!  
  
At a fondue party in Florida somewhere...  
  
The man stroked his Mickey Mouse tie. "And so I said to him, 'Ted! That isn't a cigarette lighter! That's a rocket engine!'"  
  
Everybody laughed.  
  
"...but, it was too late..."  
  
Everybody stopped. They exchanged glances. They started laughing again.  
  
"...ah, that reminds me," he waved his drink towards the den as he started moving towards the large room. "There's something I just have to show you. This way, please." he started off towards the den, everyone following closely. He opened the door, holding it open as everyone squeezed into the living room. He quickly shut the door, turning off the lights.  
  
"Hah, heh... this is the first test of the Sirius doppler-radar system that we at NASA are debating on using for our Mars-lander project, slated to start early next year." he picked up a remote from an endtable, flicking the television on. The video was already partway through - zooming down on a pair of people, in a gorilla suit and what looked like a giant banana.  
  
While the host broke out in hyena-like laughter, everybody just kind of stared at him. "...heh..haahhh.. what?"  
  
A little girl in front started to cry, her mother consoling her. "What's wrong, dear?"  
  
"The.. banana men!! They're going to... get me!!"  
  
The group started to file out of the room. "I hope you're content, sir." the woman scowled into the face of the NASA worker as she left the room. As the door shut, he collapsed on the ground, writhing as his shrill laughter kicked into overdrive. He remained there for half an hour.  
  
********  
  
MEENWHYLE!!!  
  
"Yeah, mm-hm, that's dandy, here's your carpet." Rover shoved the wrapped floormat into Hornsby's face. "It's nothing but a rug. Why are you getting so worked up over it?"  
  
"...well..." Hornsby's eyes navigated the rack full of rugs yet again. "...this is a big investment for me... I don't have much money as is... my old carpet's burnt a little, so..."  
  
Rover blinked. "You don't want your old one?... how bad is it damaged?"  
  
Hornsby shuffled his feet. "The corner's a bit charred... a fairly large burn... but a good portion of it's intact."  
  
"I'll buy it off you." Rover blurted.  
  
Hornsby's eyes brightened considerably. "...r-really?"  
  
Rover dug a wad of bills out of his shirt pocket, shuffling through it. "How much do you want? 300 Bell?"  
  
Hornsby eagerly accepted the cash donor. "..uh... you wanna come pick it up later?... when it's convienient for you?"  
  
Rover stared distastefully at the storm outside, still raging as fierce as ever. He vaguely noticed Lily on a small raft being tossed around violently by the waves, shortly before a shark leapt by and bit her head off. Rover sweatdropped as he turned back to Hornsby. "...yeah... maybe in a bit."  
  
"Alright!" Hornsby bowed. "I'll see you then!"  
  
Rover waved him off. Hornsby tucked his carpet under his arm, dragging his dinghy over to the door. He whacked the emergency open button, leaping out with the small rubber raft in one hand as he drifted away in the floodwaters - in the process adding another six inches to the level of water in the Nook-'n-Go. Rover stood still, scratching his head. Hornsby didn't seem as stupid as thought initially - he was actually appearing to be a pretty nice guy. The carpet could wait. It would have to. Outside was horrible as is. Why was he thinking like this? Kiev would be disgusted.  
  
"...where IS Kiev...?" Rover glanced around. He climbed up onto the lowest shelf to his left, peering over the entire rack. Kiev was standing in front of a large display case. Rover couldn't tell what exactly was attracting Kiev's attention, for his abnormally large head was in the way. He coughed in disgust, wading down the aisle and around to Kiev's position. "...Kiev.. what are you doing..."  
  
"Look at this." Kiev said blankly. His hand moved up weakly to the display case - inside, a bright yellow rubber welcome mat sat.  
  
Both stared in solitude at the bright plastic mat briefly before Rover glared back at Kiev. "Look at what?"  
  
"The designer Feng Shui welcome mat. Specially designed for Feng Shui purposes - 'must be placed in south end of house'..." Kiev stared for nearly another minute before Rover tapped him on the shoulder, causing him to spring back to life. "...it's a dream..."  
  
"It costs..." Rover circled the case to where a giant price sticker was slapped on. "...$85?!"  
  
"It's Feng Shui." Kiev droned. "It's calling me..."  
  
"It's a big rubber mat!" Rover pouted. "It's a big rubber mat, and nothing more! Luck, luck, whatever, we're damned as is, no rubber mat is going to give us the luck we need! In what way is a stupid little designer mat going to give us the redemption we need? ANYONE needs?!"  
  
********  
  
MEEN-A-WHILE-A!!!  
  
Elsewheres, a giant crack of thunder pierced the heavens, casting a shaft of electricity down unto Cube's house. Cube stuck his head out the window, watching as his entire roof erupted in flames. "Oh, drat."  
  
********  
  
WHILEMEAN!!!  
  
The single-car KGB-run engine barelled down the track, somehow spared from the flooding around it. As five of them sat inside the warm interior of the car playing drinking games, the coal engine providing some kind of comfort, one sat on top of the engine, keeping his eyes on the track ahead. What looked like a train platform was beginning to crest the horizon.  
  
(Brother! We are there!)  
  
(Where?)   
  
While the largest of the group climbed to the top of the car, the others stumbled around in a drunken stupor, just beginning to regain their bearings. One completely fell off the train.  
  
(Up ahead! It is a train station! Could we be at Belle already?)  
  
(We shall find out! JOSEF!! Slow us down!!)  
  
The engine let out a high-pitched squeal as its brakes slammed down, spewing a trail of sparks behind it. The train car slid to a perfect halt in front of the station, where another Porter sat passed out in the ticket booth. The leader hopped out onto the platform, taking out a flashlight and shining it on the town sign. It read *ELLE, the area of the sign with the first letter convieniently broken off.  
  
(Ah! Yes! Belle! Come, comrades! Let us destroy this uprising!)  
  
(For the motherland!)  
  
(Do we have a motherland still?)  
  
(Yes! Somewhere...)  
  
(Seriously...)  
  
(SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!! Just move!!)  
  
They all strapped their AK-47s to their backs, leaping off the opposite end of the platform and beginning the long swim to the Nook-'n-Go off in the distance.  
  
********  
  
UNTERDESSEN!!!  
  
Kiev lied passed out on the counter. Nook didn't seem to mind terribly. He was too busy discussing the KGB with his 'comrade'. That left Rover to box up the remaining carpets that didn't sell into a corner.  
  
"Could I have a hand here?" Rover muttered.  
  
"I don't know." Kiev sighed, rolling over. "Should I? I don't imagine it would-"  
  
"No." Rover said flatly.  
  
"God." Kiev's pupils started to dilate. "Ahh... but I neeed itttt..." he was promptly knocked flying off the counter by Rover's backhand, flying back into a shelf full of stationary. It completely collapsed on top of him, spilling its contents. He turned back in time to hear a jingle from the door. "...hm, the place closes in ten minutes... who would drop by now?"  
  
The doors opened again as another particularly soggy cat rode the wave in. The doors shut again as the visitor propped herself up from the ground, shaking herself dry. "...oh, man.. tell me you're still open..."  
  
Rover blinked. Another feline, slightly shorter than him and covered in bright orange fur, wrung the sleeves of her shirt. Most of it was tanned, though there was a fairly large non-tanned area in the shape of a leaf on the top of her head.  
  
"...your head." Rover finally murmured.  
  
"My what?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"My head?"  
  
"What.. oh, yeah, your head." Rover pointed sheepishly.  
  
"What..." she began to feel around her scalp frantically. "...crud, not again... why do I keep losing that thing... ah, whatever.. what carpets do you have left?"  
  
"Oh, I'm pretty much done packing up, except fo-" Rover was cut off midsentence as she already started off towards the glass case in the corner.  
  
"M-my preciousssss..." Kiev shrilly hissed.  
  
"Hey!" the customer suddenly brightened. "Feng Shui collection '03! I've been looking for this piece forever!"  
  
"PRECIOUSSSSSSS!!!!" Kiev screeched, leaping clean over the counter and across the store, tackling her. With a shriek, she rolled once more, kicking and throwing Kiev through the adjacent wall. Rover winced as the scene carried out in front of him. Suddenly, another loud rapping came at the doors. He had no time to reach for the open button before a large group of people started pounding on it.  
  
"Holy hairspray! It's the KGB!!"  
  
(He knows! Open the door!)  
  
(Aha! I'll shoot it off like the big masculine man I am!)  
  
Rover dove away from the door as the front soldier aimed and started firing at the control box. The device exploded in a shower of sparks.  
  
(You moron! This is a sliding door!)  
  
(Did it not sound like a good idea at the time?)  
  
(NO!) the rest chorused.  
  
The rest started hammering at the door with their rifles, eventually smashing a large hole in the glass. One stuck his hand through, hitting the emergency open button. They all swept in, the door still caught on the single soldier's arm and ripping the door itself completely out of its socket.  
  
Rover's hair stood on end. "WE'RE GOING TO DROWN!!"  
  
(That is the least of your worries my friend!) Josef swung his rifle into place, pointing it at Rover. (Where is Nook?!)  
  
"In the back room! Don't shoot me! I have.. um.. children!"  
  
All the police exchanged stares. (You understand us?)  
  
"You're speaking in little parentheses, why couldn't I understand you?!"  
  
(Because we are proud Russian!)  
  
"...but you can't speak Russian!"  
  
(Why not?)  
  
"Because it would drag this chapter into an unforseeable release date while Keyvan tries to find a device for Babelfish-style translation!"  
  
(...just shut up and do what we tell you, you and your Babelfish be damned!) Josef waved his other arm in the air, gesturing towards the back room. (The faster we get rid of your little defector Nook, the faster we can get out of here!... and start speaking Russian!)  
  
"Defector from what?!" Rover shrieked.  
  
(Just shut up! You're.. you're confusing me!) Josef stamped his feet.  
  
At that precise moment, Nook stepped out of the supply room. "What's going on he- ACKK!!"  
  
"...now WHAT is going on here?" the customer sighed.  
  
"It's the KGB!!" Nook bellowed. "RUN! TAKE EVERYTHING WITH YOU AND GET OUT OF HERE!!"  
  
Kiev, Rover and the patron all rolled their eyes to the massive heap of crates in the corner. "Um... no." Kiev muttered.  
  
(So you ARE the defector!)  
  
Nook blinked. "What?! Defector? What's going on here.. this is some kind of mistake.."  
  
Kiev glanced around. "...Rover, what are you... Rover?" he turned in time to see the empty glass case. "..wh-what?!"  
  
"Everybody!... look here... and stuff!!" everybody turned to the door, where Rover was in the process of stranging the rear officer with the Feng Shui mat. "I have.. one of your men!.. yes, I have one of your men!"  
  
(No one cares.) Josef sighed.  
  
"AND... but AND... I have... A GUN!!" Rover picked up the AK-47 in his other hand, much to the bewilderment of everyone else.  
  
(He's got a gun!)  
  
(You fucking idiot!! We ALL have guns!!) Josef bellowed.  
  
(...ah, yes...)  
  
Kiev frowned. The water was rapidly filling the stoor, already reaching up to his waist. "Uh, Rover, can we hurry up here?"  
  
"AND I HAVE A GRENADE!" the patron suddenly stood up behind Rover, waving her explosive stolen from the belt of Rover's hostage. "And unlike this other person, I have a vague idea how to use it!" she yanked out the pin, hurling it clear across the store. Everyone's eyes traced the dark green projectile as it flew in an even arc across the store, landing in the corner. It exploded, collapsing the wall - another massive wave of water rushed in, sweeping Josef and what remained of his group away and towards the sliding doors. Rover shoved his scapegoat into the stream, watching as he was swept out the other side.  
  
(Do not think you have seen the last of the mighty Josef!... nonetheless the ultimate Russian Jose-) his voice slowly died out as he was swept over a nearby hill and into another conveniently placed ravine. Soon after, the water level in the Nook-'n-Go itself began to level out.  
  
"...well, that was... interesting." Kiev dusted himself off. "...ohh.. my ribs..."  
  
"...I don't think I've introduced myself... though this is kind of an awkward time to do so..." the grenadier shuffled her feet. "...I'm Tangy, I don't think I've seen either of you around here before..."  
  
"We're new," Rover stood tall. "We've moved here in search of fame, prosperity... and stuff. And a chance to try out my hostage situation tactics, as you've probably noticed."  
  
Tangy nodded. "Or lack thereof. On the other hand..." she turned to Kiev, winking. "You hurt."  
  
Kiev blinked. "...hm... HEY!!" he suddenly pointed across the room, to where Nook was beginning to silently slip into the storage room, suddenly freezing as he called out. "As employees of your establishment, we wouldn't mind knowing exactly WHY the KGB is intent on crashing the Nook-'n-Go!"  
  
Rover stepped forward as well. "Alright... even I've been a bit suspicious as of late... and I want in."  
  
********  
  
Nook turned slowly, a grim expression on his face. The KGB in all its incompetence had laid siege to Helle's Nook-settlement as opposed to Belle's. He hadn't particularly expected everything to close around him in such a manner - if he had to make mention of his affiliations, it would mean certain doom for him. Not that being under KGB siege was any different.  
  
"You seem really intent." Nook finally stated.  
  
"Should I be here?" Tangy tugged at her collar.  
  
"Grab a seat. Stay a while." Kiev said matter-of-factly. "This should be an interesting story."  
  
Nook frowned. This was bad. Very bad.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
********  
  
Chapter 4 - The Nook Manifesto  
  
In which Nook tells all, the true state of world economics is jeopardized, the utopian state that lies at the heart of the chokehold of Operation Triple Bypass is revealed, much to the distaste of everyone watching, and Mario, the Pope and Josef Stalin do battle for supremacy.  
  
********  
  
"The.. banana men!! They're going to... get me!!"  
  
Comments? Queries? Death threats?  
  
Ultimanium  
  
ultimanium@hotmail.com 


	4. The Nook Manifesto

LAST TIME ON HELLE!!  
  
********  
  
Kiev: Why the hell is it raining?!  
  
Rover: The gods! The gods are angry!  
  
Hornsby: Do you have any marg-  
  
Kiev/Rover: NO!  
  
Nook: Hello. How can I be more sadistic than usual?  
  
Kiev: Establish an embargo on everything except carpets and have a huge sale?  
  
Nook: Now do you know why you are my #1 employee?  
  
Kiev: -_-  
  
*suddenly the KGB appear*  
  
Josef: HAR HAR!!  
  
*dramatic chord*  
  
Nook: W-what do you want?!  
  
Josef: Our idiocy has lead us here! We come for your blood!!  
  
*suddenly a wave of water rushes by, sweeping Josef and the other soldiers away*  
  
Kiev: What the? What the?! We want the truth, you commie bastard!  
  
*Tangy appears in a puff of smoke*  
  
Rover: What the hell are YOU doing here?  
  
Tangy: ...what the hell AM I doing here?  
  
Nook: Alright... sit down and I'll tell you all a story.  
  
Kiev/Rover: *clapping* Story-time! Story-time!  
  
********  
  
Nook was ready to reach for the blinds - until he noticed the back windows of the shop were all in pieces anyways, an unfortunate side effect of Tangy's grenade. Whether it was well-aimed or not suddenly didn't have much prevailance. Thankfully the storm outside was beginning to settle somewhat.  
  
"...do you.. have any idea how you're going to get this fixed?" Rover finally asked.  
  
"...I don't think the company plan covers secret service incursions." Nook stepped away from the window, sliding gingerly away from the giant mess of glass shards on the floor.  
  
"...ANYWAYS!" Kiev slapped his hands together, rubbing them intently. "Now that we have any potential distractions out of the way, how about we hear what NOOK has planned for us?"  
  
"Not so loud," Nook frowned. "You'll wake the neighborhood."  
  
"What's the big problem?" Kiev rested his hands on his hips as he suddenly turned back to him, glaring daggers. "It can't be so bad that everybody is at RISK of hearing this!"  
  
Rover sweatdropped. "Calm down, man, calm down."  
  
"Well well well-" Nook was nearly pacing a hole in the floor at this point. "Do you have any idea how much TROUBLE I'm in right now?! If command realizes that the KGB got to Helle instead of Belle and it was YOU that repelled them, I'll be exiled for sure!"  
  
"So you WERE affiliated with them!" Kiev laughed harshly.  
  
"Wait-wait-wait!!" Nook continued to flail his limbs. "Can I just HAVE a moment to EXPLAIN what's going on here?!"  
  
"I don't BELIEVE this!!" Kiev threw his arms up, beginning to pace as well.  
  
"YES, I am affiliated with the KGB, as I have been for the past decade since I first moved to Helle. I moved to this town, as much of my family has moved to other neighboring towns... well... more than that, I think as a matter of fact at last count there have been two Nook coordinators for every town in Anima, minus any capital citi-"  
  
"WhatwhatWHAT?!" Kiev shrieked.  
  
Rover had just pulled up a chair. "Tangy, could y-"  
  
CRASH  
  
He glanced over, Tangy tossed away what remained of the frail wooden chair, leaving the other half of it and Kiev's unconscious corpse passed out in the shallow water as she pulled up a designer chair of her own. "...thank you."  
  
Nook frowned. "Promise me you'll tell him this later?"  
  
Rover and Tangy nodded.  
  
"...alright.. where to start... where to start..."  
  
********  
  
Helle  
  
Chapter 4: The Nook Manifesto (in which Karl Marx is pwned)  
  
********  
  
SOMEWHERE IN ANIMA MANY MANY MANY YEARS AGO!!  
  
"Tom, dear, please come in! Your gruel's ready!"  
  
"YAY!" a tiny raccoon bounded out from the bushes, skipping merrily down a hill and up again to a small group of wooden cabins on top of an adjacent knoll. Various other mammals were walking idly around the small hamlet, living out their lives... however they managed to live their lives at the time. Tom, for one, was waiting for his daily gruel. He leapt up onto the porch of his family's shack, hugging his parents as he entered. The porch, of course, collapsed behind him.  
  
"Oh, dear. Fester, could you take care of that?"  
  
"Sure. Tom, could you take care of that?"  
  
"Bu-"  
  
"You could get some practice, Tom... maybe someday you'll be able to make porches for all of us!"  
  
"...fine, fine..." Tom reached over, grabbing the hammer and the 20-gallon bucket of nails that sat convieniently next to the door. "...I just don't know, mama, papa... every time I try hard to fix this porch it just crashes to the ground five minutes after. Would it not be easier just to get someone else to do it?"  
  
"Son, I don't particularly like your way of thinking. Now, how do you think everyone would respond if they knew you only wanted to do things if you got something out of it?"  
  
Tom shrugged. "Well, why not?"  
  
Moments later, Tom could be found tied tightly to a pole surrounded in burning embers. He wasn't particularly sure what was less comfortable, the heat or the wide-eyed stares of everyone in town. All four of them. His father stood at the base, stoking the embers with a firepoker. "...dear father, I fear I'm not particularly catching onto what's going on here. Could you or possibly someone else inform me?"  
  
Kiev, Rover, Tangy and Nook could be all seen standing on the side.  
  
"Uh.. Nook.." Kiev mumbled. "...I'm assuming that's you, right?"  
  
"..." Nook rubbed his chin. "You know, I'm not particularly sure anymore."  
  
"You know why you're here!!" Fester yelled. "You are the one that built the last porch that graced this house!! You thought you'd put in slack effort because you would get nothing out of it, and it collapsed and gave my dear Betsy a concussion when I brought her onto the porch to shear her!! Dear, dear Betsy... your wool was white as snow... BURN HIM!!"  
  
"Not your son! Please father, no!" he, along with the post, burst into flames.  
  
Kiev's eye twitched. "Alright, now you're just making shit up."  
  
Nook slapped his forehad. "Bah. What was I thinking... that was my cousin. Just... disregard everything you just saw.. okay?"  
  
"But his name was Tom."  
  
Nook counted on his fingers. "As was my brother, stepbrother, nephew, uncle, and mother."  
  
The other three exchanged confused stares and nodded slowly. "...alright... where was I... oh, yes. I had moved away a while ago, as a matter of fact... I went to find a well-paying job in the big, big city of Anigrad. I was headed out to pursue a living in the art of carpentry. Mostly in the field of porches."  
  
Rover went deadpan. "Runs in the family?"  
  
"You could say so. Well, eventually I made a living in the city, and I always held my cousin's last words in my heart."  
  
"To work for the better of people?" Tangy answered.  
  
Nook rubbed his chin again. "...actually, I do believe it was more along the lines of 'OH FUCK JESUS GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP' but I figure that's a good phrase as any."  
  
"Ah." Rover sighed.  
  
********  
  
People darted this way and that on a crowded, busy street. Smokestacks almost as tall as the houses they sat on stretched into the sky, spewing out grey smoke of seemingly random shades. Down on the street, Tom Nook exited out onto his building's porch, taking with him a tall stepladder. He jammed it into place against the wall, dragging up a wide sign with him. He stayed their for twenty minutes, eventually driving the last nail into the sign that read "YE OLDE HOME DEPOT". By the time he turned to come down, the entire street was empty, save for two people, an odd occurance for noon on the dot. As he leapt down to the ground, they had approached closer to each other.  
  
One was dressed in a beige tunic and pants. The other was draped in blue jean suspenders and red underclothing. Both twirled their mustaches frantically as they stared each other down.  
  
"So, we-a meet again." the beige one snarled.  
  
"That we-a do." the other replied.  
  
Before Nook could politely ask exactly what the hell was going on they had already charged at each other, exchanging an oddly vibrant selection of martial arts moves. Nook did little else but scratch his head. A hippo walked up besides him, tsking as he stared at the two. "Looks like they're going at it again." he spoke with a thick Italian accent.  
  
Nook glanced over. "Again?"  
  
"Meh.. I suppose I should get out of here before the others show up. Mind if I step inside?"  
  
Nook stepped to the side as the door opened and shut again. "...others?"  
  
Right on cue, battle cries could be heard as people of every race and specie poured out of every sideroad visible to Nook on both sides of him, surrounding the two and quite literally proceeded to beat the living crap out of each other. Nook chuckled weakly, quietly slipping back into his shop. The porch collapsed shortly thereafter. Kiev walked up, examining the wreckage. "...you know, this looks a LOT like ours."  
  
Nook stuck his head out the window. "You're imagining things. Can we continue?"  
  
"What happened then?" Tangy asked dully.  
  
"Well, this person just came into my house and started explaining to me what was happening. It appeared that there was a huge turf war in Anigrad between the two most prominent political leaders in the city - Josef Stalin and Mario Mario. They were fighting to take over the rapidly declining government of Karl Mar-"  
  
"Karl Marx didn't even exist in the same ERA!" Kiev muttered.  
  
Ultimanium appeared out of a swirling void. "Alright, now I'M confused." Everyone just stared at him. "...what?"  
  
"That's a very keen observation, Kiev, but do you not know that his many followers cloned him after death using one of his hairs? At that point the world was very much destined to be ruled by the PROLETERIAT!!" at that moment for no particular reason the camera zoomed in and out on his face.  
  
Rover squinted. "...wha?"  
  
Nook slumped over the windowsill. "That was just a mild taste of the utter shock, horror and surprise I experienced at that particular moment."  
  
"We'll be more than happy to top that if you don't just shut up and get to the point." Tangy said flatly.  
  
"Anyways... seeing the state that Anigrad was in and the possible consequences that could befall me if I stayed, I did what any other self-respecting Nook would have done."  
  
Kiev folded his arms. "Spontaneously combusted?"  
  
On cue, Nook burst into flames, running around screaming, and eventually caused his entire shop to erupt in a towering inferno, and shortly after the entire block. Rover and Tangy glanced about wide-eyed while Kiev continued to stand, admidst the falling embers, tapping his foot and whistling.  
  
"Kiev." Rover sighed. "What did you do?"  
  
"Well, seeing how Nook's already made up stuff, that thereby designates what we're seeing ISN'T restricted by his own experience, and THUS, subject to OUR altering as well." he tapped his horned hat. "It's all in the mind, my feline friend."  
  
"COULD WE GET BACK TO THE STORY?!?" Ultimanium was busy rolling on the ground, extinquishing his own burning corpse.  
  
Moments later, Kiev, Rover, Tangy and Nook stood upon the street of the hastily-mentally-reconstructed city.  
  
"Anyways, I had decided that if I wanted to stay in Anigrad and continue my career in homebuilding, I would have to ally with one of the gangs, lest I get my home wrecked by both. After nights of speculation and many, many flipped coins, I made the decision to attend Mario Mario's latest shindig in Little Italy, where they intended to plot a more aggressive campaign against the rulings of Stalin."  
  
********  
  
INTERMISSION!!!  
  
"Hello. I'm Bob Saget, and you're watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Normally I would do something pointless and cause the laughing gas canisters hidden under your seat to deploy, but with our newfangled mind control device graciously donated to us by NanoCrap Industries America, I can just make you laugh at anything I say regardless. But enough of that, let's check on our three finalist videos... first, 'Man Hit In Ear By Flaming Sledgehammer'!  
  
Various oohs.  
  
"Next, 'Stupid Slobbering Kid Makes Cute Expressions'!"  
  
Various ahhs.  
  
"And, finally, 'Men In Gorilla and Banana Suits'!"  
  
Various scratching of heads.  
  
"Anyways, let's start tallying those votes with your handy-dandy... voting.. things!" the air was filled with annoying beeps and bloops for three solid minutes before they started to cease. "...alright, let's see what you voted for... third, Men In Gorilla and Banana Suits takes 0.03%! Second, Man Hit In Ear By Flaming Sledgehammer takes 2%! And in FIRST PLACE, with 97.97%, Stupid Slobbering Kid Makes Cute Expressions!!"  
  
A three-year old in a highseat appeared on the bigscreen in the background, mashing its hands in a bowl of oatmeal before looking at the camera and emitting a low "phhshshshshhhhphhhh" before profusely vomiting. Everyone awwed.  
  
"I'm Bob Saget, and I'm still wondering why the hell this show is still in syndication. Good night."  
  
********  
  
Kiev walked up to the stall, carrying a plate towering with fettucini alfredo. "Did I miss anything?"  
  
"No." Tangy said flatly. Her, Nook and Rover all sat at the table of the dark pub, all with plates in front of them - Kiev's helping was easily triple that of what was currently on the table. Her attention turned to the buffet table, where several immensely fat people were carrying away armfuls of food. "...is it like Mario to arrange a gang meeting at a pasta buffet?"  
  
Rover turned around, glancing over the front of the stall. While the long table near the front was undeniably packed, Mario seemed to be the only person eating. As he finished off his plate, he tossed his fork up in the air and catched it, whipping it at the front door as it opened. It lodged in the person's forehead with a dull thunk, causing him to topple over dead. As was expected, this caused a chorus of oohs and ahs to rise from his guests. "Alright. It would seem that everyone is-a here? Well, I'm-a supposing that everyone is-a here-a?"  
  
Everyone else nodded, never ever hoping to deny their leader in any light.  
  
"...Lenny is not here?" Mario glanced around as another member rushed to his side, whispering in his ear. All eyes turned to the twitching body on the ground. "...ANYWAYS!" he rubbed his hands together. "You're all aware why-a I summoned you all here tonight? Yes? It it time that we crushed that meddling Stalin and his posse once-a and for all!"  
  
"So how did he go about doing that?" Rover asked.  
  
"He got deported to the Mushroom Kingdom two minutes later." Nook glanced over as Stalin walked up behind him and started clubbing him with a bar stool. His entire gang watched with dull eyes, eventually just shrugging and making a line leading to the buffet table. "It was at that time I hit my knees and made myself known to Stalin, who seeked with a burning passion to spread the might of communism throughout the world. But first of all I was unwittingly designated as his right-hand man as we both took over Anigrad and began our master plan to make it an industrial and scientific superpower. We took all schools and universities under government control, increased iron production by 500%, created consolidated housing for the poor, established a social service, discovered a cure for cancer, and sold everyone's clothes to pay for a highly successful space program that set the first rabbit on Venus. I don't seem to recall hearing from him again, but his ship contained a large amount of ash that we're still investigating."  
  
"What then?" Tangy asked.  
  
"Well, seeing as how the infrastructure of Anigrad everywhere else had fallen apart in the meanwhile, and even WE had ended up selling our clothes, and all the furniture in the palace and whatnot, we held a conference where the future of Anigrad would be decided."  
  
The pub around the group spiraled into nothingness before being replaced by a wide, open grand hall within the grand palace of Anigrad. Nook and Stalin could be seen sitting on cardboard boxes, trying hard to hide their lower halves underneath a plywood table held up with concrete blocks.  
  
"'Nook, my friend,' he said, 'it seems that with our-a rapid growth and industrialization, Anigrad has-a fallen on hard times. Surely there must be some way we can dig ourselves out of this proverbial hole we have created, surely?' So, I proposed that we go about selling whatever useless commodities we had to neighboring cities and countries. Of course, his initial response was to slap me in the face with a live trout, but upon further recollection we decided that would have to be the path we took if we wanted Anigrad to survive - because, in the end, while that in itself was a capitalist activity, it WAS, in the end, designed to give the fruits of its labor back to the communist state. Still, if we wanted income at a steady state we would have to go about selling our goods in more than one place at once."  
  
The group followed a blurred Nook over to the door. After descending a flight of stairs they ended up in what looked like some sort of space-age laboratory.  
  
"So what were you going to say?" Kiev sat at a desk, flipping through a copy of SYMBIOTIC GENETIC REPLICATION FOR DUMMIES.  
  
Rover glanced through the shelf next to him. "...ETHICS AND HOW TO SUBVERT THEM... CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE NON-EXISTANT SOUL... MAD MINUTE: A COLLECTION OF 60-SECOND TACTICS DEVISED TO CRUSH ANYONE'S WILL..." he gave Nook a particularly annoyed stare. "...what WAS going on down here, anyways?" he was interrupted as with a loud hiss, a tall cylinder near the far end of the chamber opened, a suited Nook waddling out. He was flipping through a small pamphlet as he approached the door, where Stalin stood waiting.  
  
"Are you done-a the requested reading, #0002?"  
  
"Yessir."  
  
"Then proceed to the railroad. Your destination is the small town of Primus. Your base has already been set up. Your mission lies ahead."  
  
"Yessir." he replied with the same monotony. Stalin shoved him out the door, causing him to drop his papers. Kiev quickly stepped ahead, grabbing them from the ground as another Nook idly marched to greet Stalin.  
  
"...5 EASY STEPS TO CONSUMER STUPIDITY?!" Kiev threw the sheets in Nook's face. "...I think it's all coming together now. You're just some genetic defecate of the real Nook out somewhere in Anima, who set up a Nook 'n Go in Helle to graciously rip me off!"  
  
"...and us." Tangy added, somewhat annoyed.  
  
"Actually, I broke off from the main Nook syndicate a long time ago, you know, there just wasn't enough employee benefits, you know? I was actually giving you some of my best prices - ones that would benefit my Nook 'n Go the greatest in the long run and allow me a steady supply of goods on top of what was chartered by Stalin's Nook enterprise."  
  
"Nook." Tangy sighed. "You were engineered NOT to do so. What makes us think we'd believe you?"  
  
"Especially with THAT kind of stupid price for a carpet?" Kiev butted in.  
  
"When you stop and think about it, what kind of idiot would do something for the better of the country when they can just tell them to take a long walk off a short pier and keep the funds for themselves?" Nook seemed half-asleep at that point. "...just think about it, two months from now I'll be able to afford my dream cabana, set up on the exquisite, peaceful, rolling beaches 50 feet from my store..."  
  
"That doesn't explain the carpet." Kiev continued.  
  
Rover stepped in front of him. "...whatever. I think I've heard all I need to... you can bet we'll still be shopping at the Nook 'n Go seeing as we don't have much of a CHOICE at this point... can you at least.. you know.. give us a little discount?"  
  
"20 percent!" Kiev shouted.  
  
"15?" Nook answered.  
  
Kiev paused. "...20!"  
  
Nook groaned. "...20 percent it is."  
  
Kiev rubbed his chin. "...25!"  
  
"Can you GIVE IT A REST?!" Tangy marched by, dragging Kiev back outside.  
  
Rover watched as the door slammed, turning back to Nook. "Hey, I'll believe you for now when you say that you broke from the Nook manifesto on your own free will... but I've still got questions for you."  
  
Nook yawned. "Shoot.. but hurry it up, will you? I've got to close up shop in ten minut-"  
  
With a blast of thunder, Rover and Nook found themselves again in the destroyed remains of the Nook 'n Go. Nook was still frozen in his half-yawn, his eyes darting about worriedly at the mountains of debris where the grocery shelves once stood. "...oh dear. I guess I was little out of reality there, was I not..."  
  
"I'm starting to think so. Anyways, this rain is starting to get on my nerves again, so I'm only going to ask you once - what is Operation Triple Bypass?"  
  
"...Operation Tri.. why, I don't have the slightest..."  
  
Rover folded his arms. "25."  
  
"Okay, okay..." Nook flapped his arms. "...alright, you know how the train route runs from Helle on, right?"  
  
"When we got booted off there was supposed to be another 14 stops until we hit Anigrad. About another five days of travelling. What about it?"  
  
"The systematic placement of Nook 'n Go's followingt the train route from the border of Anima to Anigrad was built so that the supercentres grow in size and affordability as you work your way towards the capital. Presumably it would work off the shopping frenzy that the borderline deals commissioned by the Nook syndicate incited in said stupid consumers. From what I've been told we were supposed to bait people coming in from outside Anima along this transit line and this transit line only to lead them straight into the heart of the Nookingtons, evidently the Nook headquarters in Anigrad... and otherwise cause all transit on any other route to Anigrad to cease."  
  
"Sounds like a plan. But I'm not entirely sure on what the Nook syndicate would do once people show up on their front step."  
  
"I speak the truth when I say I have no idea what happens beyond that point. That is highly confidential information. Even more has been clouded from my understanding since the primary Nook was put in absolute command of the Nook syndicate, Stalin having his life taken by a rabid yak many years ago."  
  
"So all of this... that's why you never particularly cared about us beating the crap out of the KGB, because you knew that you were going to up and rebel at any point regardless?"  
  
Nook rested his hands on his hips. "...well, as a matter of fact, I don't seem to be caring a lot about anything right now, much less the fact my enterprise is standing in shambles right now. Alright, Rover, you hurry on back home now and make sure Kiev and company are making out alright, okay? You guys are the best customers I have... not that that's particularly saying much, but you catch my drift."  
  
"...I do... I guess." Rover scratched his head before setting off back across the soaked plains of Helle to his abode - nearly tripping over Lily's decapitated head in the process, and making him even more confused than he ever should have been.  
  
********  
  
On another dark laptop, somewhere further down the track, another two Nooks were exchanging idle conversation.  
  
"...that KGB event didn't go too well, from what I heard. Seems the division that the Master sent out was ambushed on its way to Belle at some other stop called Helle."  
  
"Well, #8905, that's kind of odd, if you ask me... no one should have known that the KGB were out and about... surely Helle's Nook coordinator wouldn't have told the insurgents about their arrival so they could plan the attack? I know him personally, he would never do such a thing..."  
  
"Perhaps you are right, #0003.. but still, I have reason to believe that Helle, while an important piece in the execution of Operation Triple Bypass, is fully under our control, things are not as withstanding there as appears to the eye."  
  
"Do you think another unit will be sent to investigate?"  
  
"It is only a matter of time. Still, we have much more pressing matters to attend to regarding Anigrad..."  
  
"That..." he reached up, slapping the laptop shut. "...we do."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
********  
  
Chapter 5 - Weapons of Mass Obstruction  
  
In which Ned discovers true enlightenment, Kiev obtains the Zingbuster, the author briefly contemplates a genre switch to Poetry, Nook becomes an advocate to musical tragedy, necromancy is widely encouraged, the post office receives many disturbing packages, and much more.  
  
********  
  
"STUPID SLOBBERING KID!!!"  
  
(A/N - ...uh... wow, I updated this... I think that's a new record for fic resurrection on the verge of death, and I'm kind of happy I did so, seeing as how I got more reviews with this fic than I usually get in a year from all my others combined. Which brings me to my second point... PLEASE SOMEBODY THAT I DON'T KNOW, R&R SOME OF MY FICS, I WILL BE YOUR PERSONAL SLAVE, WHICH IS QUITE A SPLENDID DEAL CONSIDERING THAT I HAVE THE OPTIMAL PATHFINDING FOR EVERY HOUSEHOLD IN NORTH AMERICA NEEDED TO DO THE LAUNDRY, FEED THE PETS AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE IN OLYMPIC RECORD TIME. Or not, but I also have no prejudice in using my superhuman abilities to beat you senseless regardless of location. Cheerio!) 


	5. Weapons of Mass Obstruction

Once again a sun rose over Helle.  
  
Still a stumpy figure sat in front of Kiev and Rover's abode. Clearing his throat, he raised his mining pick and tapped the new doorbell with it. The bell rang once and promptly shorted out in a series of loud zaps. Still, after several moments the door creaked open, exposing a slim-eyed Kiev wrapped in a housecoat several sizes too big for him. "..'ello?" he looked down, spotting a very angry mole sitting buried in a pile of dirt, wearing, as well, a hard hat several sizes too big for him.  
  
"Alright, sir, I don't know WHO you are or WHEN you got here, but I've got a quite a big bone to pick with you, mister."  
  
Kiev blinked. "...whateverrr." he slurred, staring dully onwards.  
  
"Alright, seeing as you're a bit dense, I doubt you're in the know and all, but I'm here just to point out something you should know - the name is Sonny Resetti, and I'm here because you reset."  
  
"Resuhh the whah?" Kiev mumbled.  
  
"YOU RESET!" Resetti pounded his fists on the board. "YOU RESET! It's not rocket science!!"  
  
Kiev paused, squinting again. "...well, uh. Sorry and whatnot, but I'm just curious what I reset."  
  
"Does it matter? All I'm telling you is that I got an urgent call telling me that someone in the township of Helle was resetting and we don't take none of that crap! You got me, boy? Does it matter? All I'm telling you is that I got an urgent call telling me that someone in the township of Helle was resetting and we don't take none of that crap! You got me, boy? Does it matter? All I'm telling you is that I got an urgent call telling me that someone in the township of Helle was resetting and we don't take none of that crap! You got me, boy? Does it matter? All I'm telling you is that I got an urgent call telling me that someone in the township of Helle was resetting and we don't take none of that crap! You got me, boy? Does it matter? All I'm telling you is that I got an urgent call telling me that someone in the township of Helle was resetting and we don't take none of that crap! You got me, boy?"  
  
Kiev just stared at him funny. "...did I do something wrong?"  
  
Resetti shook his head. "The hell... it's going on again..."  
  
Kiev shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I can't help ya. Though Hornsby was going on about something he found in his backyard the other night. I guess I can't help ya. Though Hornsby was going on about something he found in his backyard the other night. I guess I can't help ya. Though Hornsby was going on about something he found in his backyard the other night."  
  
"What was that? What was that? What was that? What was that?"  
  
Kiev glanced off into the distance, as did Resetti, to where Hornsby could be seen jumping up and down on a giant red button sticking out of the ground.  
  
"Guess I've got some work to do," Resetti reapplied his hat. "Just let this be a lesson, 'kay?"  
  
Kiev nodded. "Sure, Mr... Resetti... but there's just one thing that's bugging me."  
  
"Whazzah?"  
  
"How did you dig through my porch?"  
  
"Whuh?"  
  
Kiev looked down, now noticing he was talking to Resetti on the ground several feet below. There was no trace of the porch ever existing there.  
  
"Oh dear." Kiev droned.  
  
********  
  
Helle  
  
Chapter 5: Weapons of Mass Obstruction (in which lies a catchy beat)  
  
********  
  
Thankfully the events of yesterday had left Nook's storehouse relatively unharmed. Kiev and Rover's purchase of a magnificently new 20" color television (not that the house had a cable hookup or anything) had provided Nook the funds needed to reestablish his shop, even if it was situated now in a used RV.  
  
"Some good shows on lately." Rover said flatly.  
  
"It stimulates the mind." Kiev replied.  
  
They both sat on their feasibly comfortable davenport, watching the blank television.  
  
"You know, I'm just really curious, why DID we have to buy a television?" Kiev shrugged. "We didn't have to pitch up Nook's business alone, you know... I'm sure if everyone in Helle put in some effort and did some reasonable shopping he'd be up and running in no time."  
  
"...Kiev, I'm not sure if you grasped what was going on there, but Nook clearly stated his was going to rebel against his authorities. We can't just leave him high and dry at the moment... if he gets a profitable business up quick, he'll be better able to defend himself against the Nook Syndicate if they come for him. Besides, without him we have nowhere to shop."  
  
Kiev folded his arms.  
  
"And a 20% discount?"  
  
"Only if we get the carpet."  
  
"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THE CARPET ALREADY?!"  
  
"Nnnnnnn... o." Kiev quipped.  
  
"Will you just be a team player for once?" Rover sighed.  
  
"Just out of curiousity, what exactly are we doing helping Nook at this point, anyways? If his previous partners in crime have connections to Anigrad I say we abuse it."  
  
Rover was about to smack Kiev when a flush echoed throughout the house. Both turned the bathroom, staring at it in utter amazement. "...Christ almighty, is he DONE in there?"  
  
"Don't worry!" Ned shouted. "I got another load comin'!"  
  
"You know," Rover returned to his normal posture. "Does he ever come out to sleep? Or eat? Or anything?"  
  
Kiev remained still for a moment before rubbing his chin. "As a matter of fact, I don't really know." A smile crept across his face. "And that will be his downfall." he marched over to his duffel bag, digging through it for a minute before extracting a giant paperback book. He lifted it, turning it on its side to flip to the back where a phone number was listed. He picked up the 20Mhz cordless phone on the endtable and began to dial.  
  
"I never saw you with that before..." Rover tilted his head to get a better look at the tome in Kiev's hand. "Did you bring that?"  
  
"Bought it from Nook's a while ago. Plot Convieniences in aisle 8." he held it up for Rover to see - it had GUINESS written across it in bold type.  
  
Rover blinked for a moment as the prospect settled in. "You really think they'll take something like that?"  
  
"On page 356 there's a guy who holds the world record for consecutive blows in the head from a steel girder."  
  
Rover sighed. "Point."  
  
*******  
  
Elsewhere, a fairly large group of people were marching over and through the hills of Helle's backcountry. A squat penguin took the lead, while another five citizens kept a fairly lenient distance. The leader marched along, swinging his right flipper and whistling gleefully as he held the decapitated head of Lily under his other.  
  
"What exactly ARE we doing, anyways?" Tangy asked.  
  
"Looks like Cube wants to show us something spiffy." Gwen replied.  
  
Monique raised her paw. "Pardon me, but I'm just a tad bit curious what Cube's doing waving around Lily's bleeding, pulsating, disg-"  
  
Olivia started to heave, at least until a striped-shirted wolf justly picked her up and hurled her into the bush.  
  
"Was that really necessary?" Tangy sighed, glancing over her shoulder.  
  
"This show is not for the weak of heart. Harrumph." Chief finished with a grunt, as he did whenever he opened his mouth.   
  
Everyone sighed and followed Cube up to the top of the nearest hill where he had stopped. Suddenly he turned around, holding the frog's head up for all to see. "Greetings, fellow citizens! I summon you here today to discuss recent events. Namely, we are all sad to hear that our friend Lily's life was taken recently by a roving land shark. But, fear not! I, Cube, have found the solution to all our death-induced problems! Why, as a matter of fact, I hold in my hand a tome containing all knowledge of life and death for our use! Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the Necronomicon!"  
  
Tangy raised her hand. "Question, exactly where the hell did you get that?"  
  
"It was on sale at Nook's two nights back. Plot Convieniences, aisle 8. Some good buys there, yes. Anyways, I have brought you here because I may require assistance in the satanic rituals needed to bring our beloved friend back to at the very least an undead state! Now, who's with me?"  
  
"As long as we're done before my soaps." Monique brushed herself off.  
  
"I... guess, hun." Gwen stammered.  
  
"Harrumph harrumph." Chief grumbled.  
  
"Well, guess I can broaden my horizons a bit..." Tangy tugged nervously at her collar.  
  
"Well, alright then, let's get to it! I've done some reading and according to the chapter on induced resurrection we'll need a large quanity of body parts in order to begin the incantations. Now, I've done a little dealing under the table, and I've obtained all the tools we'll need. They should be arriving at the post office any time now."  
  
Everyone paused as a blood-curdling scream could be heard in the distance.  
  
Cube rubbed his flippers together. "Well, well! Special delivery! Chief, be a buddy and fetch our goods, 'kay?"  
  
"Yeah, harrumph." Chief turned and stomped off down the other side of the hill in a rather inhuman manner. Everyone began impatiently tapping their foot until the loud squelching sounds of Chief dragging a bleeding burlap sack up the hill could be heard.  
  
"Well done, well done my apprentice!" Cube quipped. "Alright then, it's time we get down to business. Everyone, I brought some chalk, and we're all going to draw this symbol on the ground, right here." he held up the book, showing everyone the current page. "I understand it's a bit messy, perhaps it's supposed to be that way."  
  
Tangy held up the box labeled CRAYOLA SIDEWALK CHALK, digging through the vibrantly colored hunks of chalk. Eventually she fished out a bright yellow piece, and everyone in turn got their own section of chalk with which they began to scribble across the face of the hill with.  
  
********  
  
Nook paced outside of his RV, impatiently awaiting the arrival of his first patron for the day. He slowed down, heaving a sigh as he glanced around again. Maybe he didn't quite have the merchant's knack he embraced previously. His shop was ruined, his previous fellow workers would probably be coming after him soon, and now this. But surely it wasn't the lack of a permanent establishment that had tarnished his spirit? No, couldn'tve been... he stopped, looking over the trailer once again. Perhaps the paint was running terribly on his quickly-crafted sign and made it look more like an unholy symbol than anything else? Nah.  
  
At that moment, for no explicable reason, a tree fell over, hitting the RV and knocking it on its side.  
  
"I'M SORRY!!" Nook screamed to the heavens. He raged for a bit, waving his arms and such and otherwise looking like a complete moron before hunching over, wheezing. He looked up again, seeing Tangy walk up. "...uh, er.. I mean... TANGY! Why, how can I help y-"  
  
"You don't have any soap, do you?" she coughed. She was completely covered from head to toe in black chalk. "...I seem to be out."  
  
"...what happened?"  
  
"Well, we were all up in the backhills, and while we were drawing with our chalk Chief seemed to gain a bloodlust and tried to kill me with this black chalk, see? And-"  
  
Nook quickly dropped a crate of soap at her foot. Tangy paused, glancing to the crate and back to Nook. She quickly forked over a sum of Bells and went on her way, lugging the crate along, it being almost as large as her. Nook watched as she crested the nearest hill, sitting back down against the bottom of the RV. "...I just don't understand... why do all these things need to happen to me? Can't... someone else be brutally punished or something? Just this once?" he was interrupted by the strumming of a guitar. Nook tensed up, glancing across to the station platform some ways off. Seated on a box at the foot of the stairs, along with a mountain of luggage, was a dog lazily picking at a large guitar in his lap.  
  
As Nook stood up he stopped playing. "...hey, man."  
  
Nook waved weakly. "...hey."  
  
He played a few more notes before glancing back to Nook. "...it's in my understanding you've run into some hard times. We all run into some hard times. Sorry to hear about your little fiasco here."  
  
"...uh.." he glanced back towards his RV in time to notice another tree crashing down against it, decimating the front windows. "...yeah. Sorta."  
  
"Well, you can call me a messenger. A messenger of relief in these hard times. I'm here to let you know, as I do to all those in hardship, that you should turn that frown upside down and look for a brighter tomorrow."  
  
"...is that so." Nook advanced, walking under the stepladder reaching up to where the sign used to be. "...and tell me, what good is exactly happening right now? I'm without a shop, my funds are slowly dwindling, and... stuff."  
  
"Well, one thing, the weather's pretty spiffy today. I mean, check it out, the sun's in the sky, the birds are chirping..." he glanced back to a large thermometer mounted on the platform below the large clock. "...and it's a fine, standing temperature of 13 degrees Celsius. Now tell me, how much better can a day get?"  
  
It started to rain.  
  
"You tell me." A rapidly-soaking Nook droned.  
  
"My name is Totokeke. And I think you have some lessons to learn." his fingers moved back to the guitar, strumming them slowly.  
  
When things look quite bleak, ask yourself:  
  
Could such feelings just as easily be shelved?  
  
When you feel like murdering everyone you know  
  
Aren't there more positive thoughts to show?  
  
You could look toward a brighter future  
  
As opposed to becoming a chronic snooter  
  
Or take up a distractingly amusing hobby  
  
Or even sing a fun song  
  
Whatever is better, remember  
  
"I forget what's better." Nook sighed.  
  
"Annihilation? Wrong." Totokeke bobbed his head.  
  
Driving a convertible off a cliff would be bad  
  
So sit back, turn on the TV, grab a java and feel glad  
  
That you turned away from things such dire  
  
Like strangling people with barbed wire  
  
Or committing acts of provoked Jihad  
  
Because relaxing perhaps would look less odd  
  
Take a vacation  
  
Read a book  
  
Clean the house  
  
Rearrange your furniture  
  
Punch a pillow  
  
Start a garden  
  
But for the love of god don't kill meeeeee  
  
"Please?" Totokeke unstrapped the guitar, handing it to Nook. Pete and Pelly took another acoustic guitar and a piano respectively in the background.  
  
"Whee." Nook picked at the guitar with amazingly bad rhythm.  
  
I will not desecrate people  
  
I won't desecrate their homes  
  
I will not contract obscure plagues on them  
  
Not rant and rave and foam  
  
I can survive what life throws at me  
  
And will not throw things at folks  
  
With the exception of sporting goods  
  
And lots of dirty jokes  
  
Or I could even sing a fun song  
  
Whatever is better, remember  
  
"I know what's better."  
  
Pause.  
  
"...uh.. not.. thongs?" Pete said dully.  
  
Totokeke shrugged.  
  
But I shouldn't piss in people's Listerine  
  
Or make pelvic gestures too obscene  
  
Egg the post office windows  
  
Make fun of midget widows  
  
Pit-trap people's front yards  
  
Dose their morning coffee with baking lard  
  
Play chess  
  
Weight train  
  
Mow the lawn  
  
Write a novel  
  
Take morning jogs  
  
Play Gamecube  
  
But for the love of god don't kill meeeeee  
  
But I should never not be friendly  
  
Not launch flaming boulders at their property  
  
Or mail everyone porn  
  
Litter their gardens with thorns  
  
Beat them senseless with a 2x4  
  
Deploy tripwire across their front door  
  
Steal all their sleepwear  
  
Confiscate their silverware  
  
Leave a running garden hose in their bedroom  
  
Use their taps to make a housewide flume  
  
Make their lives a living hell  
  
Just because yours isn't going well  
  
Eat candy  
  
Take a nap  
  
Give someone a call  
  
Have a garage sale  
  
Write a letter  
  
Just simmer down  
  
But for the love of god don't kill meeeeee  
  
It's all I ask  
  
Pleeeeeeease!  
  
Nook took a deep breath, handing the guitar back to Totokeke. "...I really don't know what I'm feeling right now... but it's a lot better than before... I still don't know what could do to repay you for picking up my spirits... when did you write that, anyways?"  
  
"Oh, just now, as a matter of fact. And I figured you would be the best one to share it with. Says right here..." he held up a pamphlet. 'Chicken Soup for the Greatly Impaired Shopkeeper Soul. As a matter of fact, I think your store was where I bought it. Plot Convieniences, aisle 8. I swear, that stuff's worthy of a shop all its own. Well, I'll see you around, Mr. Nook. Only one song a night. You know, big-keyboard-in-the-sky rules."  
  
"The whazzah?" Nook looked up in time to see a massive, green keyboard hurtle through the atmosphere with a sonic boom in its wake. When he looked back down, Pete, Pelly and Totokeke were all gone. "...well.. that's.. odd.. I guess..." looking around again, he slowly turned, heading back towards his temporary shop, ready to put his reclaimed motive to good use.  
  
********  
  
Kiev, Rover and a particularly pimply-faced reporter all stat on stools, their chins in their hands as they continued to stare at the bathroom door.  
  
"How long do we gotta stay here, anyways?" Kiev muttered.  
  
"Guiness regulations strictly declare that I as a member of the society must remain here to mark the time that your friend comes out of the washroom. It is absolutely impossible to scribe an exact time before then. Until such events occur we must remain patient."  
  
"Pizzaface." Kiev droned.  
  
"WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?!" the recorder broke down into sobs. Rover threw his arms up, standing up and heading off towards the kitchen. He passed the particularly huge video camera propped up at the far end of the hall, but took no real notice of it.  
  
"If you want any personal information for the write-up, his name is Ned and he is a very badly mutated cockroach."  
  
"I saw your friend back there..." he stopped sniffling. "...I don't think I've seen kitties like that before... mom always kept Snowball around the house, I love him dearly.. and he's just not that bi-"  
  
"We're all disgustingly gamma-infested beasts, if you're wondering." Kiev interrupted. "We just happened to get the better mutations, even if my head now is the size of an earthball and my nose has taken on an oddly triangular shape. Look at this hat. See? I could take it off and throw it out for all I care, but no one will ever describe what's underneath it. Why? Because I was never intended to take it off in the first place."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I'm going to get a very angry call from Nintendo in the morning." he stopped as the toilet flushed again, and quickly ushered the attendant to his camera. "...holy crap... alright, lights, camera... ACTION!"  
  
As Kiev threw his hand forward, the bathroom door opened with an echoing creak. His own eyes widened, never having thought the door itself would have opened on its own free will regardless of Ned supposedly being done on the toilet. Beyond the door lied pure light, blinding both overseers. Angels chorused as Ned stepped out into the real world once more - carrying an empty laundry basket.  
  
"...you had laundry?" Kiev droned.  
  
"You think I just walk around like a freakin' naked savage?" Ned growled.  
  
"Well, actually, you are. But I thought you were still.. you know."  
  
"Can a person let the dryer run in the meanwhile?"  
  
Kiev whirled around. "...well, that's that. Ned's outta the washroom, which, if I'm not terribly mistaken, makes his two-week, three day, 17-hour 35-minute 3-second stay in the bathroom the world record."  
  
"Actually, this is something entirely different. The world record for a single bathroom visit is two weeks, two days, 12 hours, 21 minutes and 56 seconds, but a single bathroom visit while doing the laundry still lies at two weeks, five days, 2 hours, 45 minutes and 21 seconds. I'm sorry, sir."  
  
Kiev slumped over in defeat. "I don't know what makes this world more depressing, Ned being beat or Ned having laundry."  
  
"However, because of your valiant attempt in breaking a world record, sir, I am entitled to present you a consolation prize on behalf of Guiness, sponsored by the Plot Conveniences aisle of your local Nook 'n Go." he dropped a long crate at Kiev's feet. "A fully-functional, military-orbital-strength laser cannon. Batteries not included."  
  
Kiev picked up the crate, watching sadly as the reporter packed up the camera, slinging it over his shoulder and stepping out the front door. A loud thud followed. "AUGH!! MY TIBIA!!"  
  
Kiev sighed again as he lifted the top off the crate. Lying inside, was, in fact, a laser cannon. He took out the instruction booklet, flipping through it. "...Zingbuster polar laser cannon, for long distance carving of ornate material. Not to be used as a light. Pointing beam at organic objects will cause molecular instability and collapse of the surrounding quantum field. Turret stand and targeting scope included, three-step setup process. Batteries not included. Ultimanium takes no responsibility for intercontinental wars caused by use of the Zingbuster. Not to be used in proximity to Zero Wing references."  
  
Ned poked his head out of an adjacent room. "Goddamn dryer's STILL going."  
  
Kiev's eye twitched.  
  
********  
  
A loud screech rolled over the hill as the entire group, lead by Cube, windsprinted over the nearest hill, tearing down the road leading to Kiev's house. A huge flash followed by a huge crackle erupted from inside as the group tore past.  
  
"I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE IF THAT'S LILY!" Tangy yelled.  
  
"HEY, THE WORD LOOKED LIKE 'ARCANUS' AT THE TIME!" Cube shouted back.  
  
"I TOLD YOU IT WAS 'ARCANUM'!" Olivia wailed.  
  
Kiev stood in his doorframe, a huge heap of ashes atop the dustpan in his left hand, the Zingbuster resting in his other, even though it was safely twice the height of him. He whistled as he dumped the cremate in Resetti's hole before noticing the massive, flaming demon raging over the hill in his direction. He watched with a dull expression as it neared, the ground erupting in fissures wherever it stepped. As it got closer it became apparent that ungodly-built hellspawn had Lily's head.  
  
"MORTAL CRETIN, I SHALL FEAST ON YOUR BLOOD AND DEVOUR YOUR SOUL." he paused, the sickly-green flames rising up around him as Lily's face twitched. "BUT FIRST, I DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE THAT HERETIC BIRD MAKES HIS RESIDENCE."  
  
"Keep going another half mile and take a left. Fourth house on the right. Daffodils out front." Kiev said flatly.  
  
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE. I SHALL SEE THAT YOU ARE AWARDED A QUICK AND PAINLESS DEATH... WHEN... I HAVE THE TIME AND EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW."  
  
Kiev waved as the beast stomped over the next hill. "Not a problem, hellion dude." As he stepped back in, he very narrowly missed noticing the rather ominous cyborg ninja that sat perched on top of the house's smokestack.  
  
(Is this the one?)  
  
(Yes, I have arrived at Helle. Have you received the entire profile on #2414?)  
  
(I have. I am beginning to wonder how or why he fought off our shock troops.)  
  
(It is true their being there was an accident. But the way he destroyed them and still neglected to notify the Syndicate has made #2414's actions most suspicious. You will remain posted here in Helle. Make sure you keep an eye on whatever #2414 has planned for the town. Later we will try to analyze our sitatuion and compose an appropriate reaction.)  
  
(I will inform you when I find anything. Out.)  
  
(Gee, why am I still talking to myself.)  
  
With that he hunched back, leaping backwards into the air and over the rock face behind Kiev and Rover's house. Monique jogged by, carrying the box of crayons. "You sillies! You forgot the crayons!"  
  
Cube ran back the other way. "ARE YOU STUPID IN THE HEAD?!"  
  
Followed by Tangy. "WE'VE GOT MORE PRESSING MATTERS HERE!" she slowed to a halt as both her and Cube hunched over, trying desperately to regain their breath. "Monique, if you'd just put the damn crayons DOWN and give us a hand for a moment we may have a chance of getting rid of this thing before he casts the Earth realm into eternal darkness!" she turned back to Cube. "That's what it said, right?"  
  
"Ah, yes." Cube flipped open his tome. "Satanic lore dictates that the summoning of a dreadlord can be negated quickly by offering the severed head.. of a niugnep as a ritualistic sacrifice, held within a ring of crabgrass! Wha?..." he flipped it over, turned three pages, and turned it back. "Ah! That's it! We need the severed head of a penguin! Why didn't I think of that before? Now, that just leaves the problem of where we're going to find a penguin with a conveniently severed head..."  
  
Everyone leapt back as Tangy lashed forward with a wood hatchet, lopping Cube's head clean off. Oddly enough, no bodily fluids of any sort came out.  
  
Tangy twitched, holding up Cube's head as it started talking. "Ah, if I'm not terribly mistaken, I have obtained the title of High Lich by bringing forth a dreadlord into the world, which makes me immune to participation in designated rituals, and if I'm not mistaken it also makes me immortal. Now, if you would be so kind as to put my head back where it belongs we could get to finding the ingredients we need." Tangy growled, tossing it up and booting it into the bush. "Alright, anyone have any severed penguin heads?"  
  
Gwen raised her flipper. "All in favor of bulwarking me, say aye."  
  
"Aye." the crowd droned.  
  
"You read the dictionary, hun?" Gwen glanced at Tangy with a particularly relaxed look on her face. "You've sworn to protect me at all costs."  
  
"I think in this case we can make an exception." Tangy raised her axe, but stumbled as the demon's step shook the earth. He crested the hill, staring down upon the group of animals, letting out an ear piercing scream. He leapt off the ground, beginning a charge at them as its claws gleamed with blood and its eyes now a crimson red.   
  
As the entire group let out their own screech of terror, it promptly flew off its feet and landed on its face. "WHAT?! WHO DARES TO ATTACK THE GREAT LORD OF ZERUB?! YOU... SHALL BE BANISHED UNTO THE WORLD OF DARKN-"  
  
"...geeeez... can you watch where you're goin'..." Hornsby slowly pushed himself up from the ground, limping over to his overturned wooden cart. A heap of severed penguin heads had been spilt from it onto the ground. "...awww, lookit, you ruined all these! I paid 500 bells for 'em too!"  
  
"NO.. NOOO!!" the dark lord took notice of a large infection growing up his tripped leg, rapidly enveloping him and causing him to burst into a cloud of stereotypical green flame and lost spirits that quickly diminished into the sky of the world of the cute animals. It would be worth mentioning that he was reincarnated 500 years later only to be defeated by a decendant of Cube armed with a penguin head on a stick, but that's another story for another day.  
  
Tangy covered her head, raising it from the ground as the flames ceased. There had been no evidence that a lord of darkness ever stood in front of them, just a very annoyed Horsnby gathering the bloody penguin heads that lied around on the dirt path. "...H-Hornsby?! That you?"  
  
"...yeah." Hornsby picked up the last head, tossing it into the righted cart. "...uh.. who was that, anyways? A friend of yours? He sure had a nasty allergic reaction back there... I hope he's okay..." he wrapped his stubby hands around the handles of the cart, wheeling it away.  
  
"...Hornsby..." Tangy gaped. "...where'd you get all those heads?"  
  
"Nook's." he shouted over his shoulder.  
  
Tangy rested her hands on her hips as she stood up. "...oh, lemme guess, I bet you got those from Plot Conveniences?" she said sharply.  
  
"No, deli." Hornsby said.  
  
Everyone else facefaulted.  
  
********  
  
In a warehouse somewhere, very similar to Nook's, another clone sat, typing away at a laptop. "...so the drone is surveying Helle as we speak?"  
  
"That he is, #0894. I imagine we should be able to determine very soon whether or not #2414 remains faithful to his cause. His shop was destroyed by your idiot shock troops but he seems quite enthusiastic, to set up a secondary shop in an RV and everything. And tell me, my friend, where exactly did he get the funds to afford an RV? Not us. Something is very wrong in Helle, and we'd do best to quell an uprising there if one should occur. That, and I may add the population itself is becoming increasingly suspicious..."  
  
#0894 squinted at the screen as a live feed was plastered on his desktop.  
  
Kiev could be seen emptying his dustpan. He glanced up for a moment, but quickly gave the dustpan a shook and stepped back inside, closing the door.  
  
"...VERY suspicious..."  
  
-------  
  
Chapter 6 - The Truth About Catgirls  
  
In which... uh... Tangy does stuff. As well as Olivia. And Monique. And this fic is staying PG-13, you bastard. Also expect much slow-mo martial arts. And Kiev. How exactly CAN you go wrong with a cyborg ninja? Oh, trust me, you can... you CAN... and who knows, maybe Nook will get his hands dirty in repelling some Syndicate scum...  
  
--------  
  
Comments? Queries? Death threats?  
  
Ultimanium  
  
chandk@stu.augustana.ca 


	6. Infinity, lol

It happened to be a great day in the small town of Helle. 

The door to a small cottage in a nearby canyon flew open and Kiev leapt triumphantly out onto the porch. Golden light poured down around him as he thrust his pelvis forward. "It happens to be a great day in the small town of Helle!"

It seemed to always be a nice day in Helle.

"The temperature is fine, a breeze is in the air, the air ITSELF smells actual clean air although I might be mistaken, just like every other day in the town of Helle!"

Although it was extremely early in the morning by Kiev's standards, he felt entirely compelled to take a stroll through the peaceful countryside. You know, to establish this pristine environment we ha...

"...you woke me up at 8 for this?"

Yes, yes I did. Now shut the hell up, I've got a bigger bombshell to drop on you.

"Whoa whoa WHOA, I am NOT taking any freaking walk that could be substituted for 4 more hours of sleep!" Kiev turned around to force himself back through the door, but flew off his feet and onto a back with a crash. Kiev continued to twitch and groan as he was drug down the stairs of the porch, making clunks as his head bashed against each off-aligned floorboard and stair step on the way. "Derk-ug-ack-blech-barf-"

ANYWAYS!!! Kiev finally decided he was going to take a walk, seeing as how he had conveniently fallen down the stairs. But as he prepared to embark on his morning jog, he realized something was afoot!

"Oh for chrissakes, this concept's been done to death by now... I'm going to stand up and this porch is gonna collapse. C'mon. Tell me I'm right, you sadistic excuse for a narrarator."

Kiev was slowly spun around, letting him watch as the porch shook for a moment.

Legs grew under it and it ran off the nearest cliff.

"...you get bonus points for that, you still suck ass though."

Oh but wait! I haven't even gotten to the good part yet... okay... now that Kiev was out of his low-rent housing, and out in the world he tried to shun for so long, he realized that something was monumentally wrong with the town of Helle! For when he woke up that morning... he realized... HE WAS THREE YEARS IN THE FUTURE!

"...I knew that."

...what?

"Uh, yeah, look at the 'Updated' date."

Hm... I... uh... you're right. So I... er... I guess I didn't really have much of a reason for waking you up myself then, did I.

"Nope."

I can still do this though.

* * *

Helle

Chapter 6 : Infinity, lol (in which time travel is not only cliche, it's the law)

* * *

Tangy licked her lips, dabbing a cotton swab in the cup of peroxide next to her. She tilted her head and slowly pressed it against Kiev's forehead. "Kiev, you never cease to amaze me. Now are you really going to tell me why you did what you did? Or are you just going to keep blaming that voice in your head?" She stood up, grabbing the box of cotton balls from a nearby dresser. The two were now seated in Tangy's home, which was likely as sparsely decorated as Kiev and Rover's. If the dozens of gyroids piled in the corner that vibrated constantly hadn't counted of course.

"There is no voice in my head," Kiev muttered. "More like a very bored deity."

"And you're going to stick by your position that-"

"Yes, this cruel god told me to run to Nook's in the nude, buy every box of minute rice he had, dump it on the ground, roll around in it, craft a makeshift parachute from the empty boxes and my clothing, and leap off the nearest cliff. You know, I was expecting you to run away screaming in the middle of that sentence but you didn't. What gives?"

"What can I say... well... look around you Kiev, your own brand of depravity kind of lost its edge."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kiev said flatly.

Outside Cube was chasing Lily, carrying his head in his hands. "HEAD FIGHT!!" Cube wound up and hurled it as hard as he could, slamming into Monique and knocking her unconscious. She tumbled down a hill, eventually falling off the edge of Helle and into the ocean. "..." Cube picked up a nearby rock, sitting it on top of his body where his head once was. Pumping his arms triumphantly he sped off to find his next victim.

"...oh, that reminds me..." Kiev stared out the window, slowly turning back to face Tangy. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you."

Tangy nodded, sitting back down. (Oh he's going to ask me out isn't he? Isn't he? There's gotta be someone in this town interested in me... humans like catgirls don't they? Well a large portion of, anyways... even if most of that portion are obese with no job...) "Mmmmhm?"

"What day is it today?"

Tangy stood up, banging her head against the wall. Immediately next to her hung a calender. Kiev strode up and stabbed his finger into the last day of October, where there were no markings. The other 30 days had 'find date' written on them in thick red marker.

"October 31st, 2006?!" Kiev ran back to the window, slamming his hands down on the windowsill. "That psycho wasn't lying! Tangy, what's happened in the last 3 years?!"

"Well, uh, not much..." Tangy folded her arms, staring off into space. "Nook's been here selling his junk... he finally got his shop rebuilt... some people moved in but left after Cube kept throwing his head through their window... I still don't have a date... people say they haven't seen you or Rover for three years, like me... oh, and I'm still looking for a date... Hornsby won every award from the Anima National Gardening Association 2 years in a row, Totokeke has been playing the same song every hour since you were last awake, there's been a cyborg ninja perched on the roof of your house since then, and I'm still single. Speaking of which, would you go out wit-"

* * *

SCENE CHANGE!!!

* * *

Kiev sprinted across the town, slowly stumbling to a stop in front of his house. Wheezing, he turned his head up - and true to the description, a raccoon in a silver-toned jumpsuit sat crouched on the front edge of the roof. "You! What do you want from me? What happened to Helle?"

(Ah. Kiev. You have awakened. We did not expect you to take notice of our plan so early.)

"How the hell do I miss a man sitting on my roof for 3 years?"

(Well you needed that catgirl to explain it to you didn't you?)

"...okay, how the hell do PEOPLE miss a man sitting on their roof for 3 years?"

(Oh, it was quite simple. We simply needed to drug the author of this story into a state that would make him stall any progression of the main characters while we, the Nook syndicate, continued to advance our plans. You know he doesn't pay attention to whatever happens in Anigrad, and neither do you.)

"What could you possibly use to lull someone into a vegetative state for 3 years?"

(I am glad you asked, Kiev. Once the author of this story viewed the contents of this CD...) the figure pulled out a small disc from behind him. (...he was stunned into a state of inactivity for these 3 years. If you wish to learn the secret, view its contents for yourself...) his hand flicked out again, and Kiev picked up the disc after it hit the ground.

"World of Warcraft, Disc 1." Kiev read.

(Oh, sorry. One sec...) Kiev looked back up, watching as the assassin struggled to get his hands inside his skin-tight outfit. (Rrrghh.. Ungh... Erghh... damn it... okay! Here we go... Discs 2, 3, 5... hey, wait... hm, one moment. Grrr.. Rrrghh, beghh... DAMN IT! I knew I shouldn'tve installed this on Ted's machine... listen, can you give me a moment? I have to run over to Ted's, can you just give me a few minutes...)

"No! I'll never forgive you for what you've done!"

(Are you challenging me? Laughable! I am a ninja and you are a silly man with an oval head, no fingers, and no weaponry for your fingerless hands to hold and oval head to comprehend! You will perish, Kiev! And no one will hear you scream!)

"Except for me!" Tangy leapt in front of Kiev.

"Oh for the love of..."

"You'll never hurt Kiev as long as I love h-"

* * *

SCENE CHANGE!!!

* * *

Kiev and the ninja stood at opposite ends of the spice aisle at the Nook-n-Go. Nook rolled a cart down the aisle, sticking cans of oregano back on the shelves. "...uh, can I help you?"

(Is she gone now?)

"For a while. Where were we?"

(You perishing.)

"Are you sure about that?" Kiev reached over, grabbing a sack of flour. He spun in place and hurled the burlap bag at the ninja. It was quickly slashed apart, and white powder exploded all over the lane. The soldier strode through the inky whiteness, taking another cleave at Kiev with his katana. Kiev snatched a can of parmeasan cheese from his left, holding the weapon back with it. "From the looks of this this fight scene isn't going to end soon and I'm going to get tired of calling you 'ninja' and 'assassin' over and over again, and nothing else really conveys your ninjaness. Do you have a name?"

(Um... hm. Just call me Bob for now I guess.)

"Gotcha." Kiev forced forward, sending Bob flying off his feet. Bob flipped over, planting his hands against the ground and pushing off again. He landed back on his feet in a shopping cart, and after stabbing his sword into the ground and pushing forward, the cart shot at Kiev. Kiev hopped up, planting his feet on the lower shelf of the cart and riding to the end of the aisle. He continued ducking swings from the blade until then, jumping off and jerking his legs to the right to topple the cart and send it flying into the frozen foods.

Kiev grabbed a plastic divider from the cashier belt, and used it to bat away various meat pies that flew out of the now-open cooler. Spotting an opening in the deluge he snapped his wrist, sending the rod spinning into the mist. A dull clunk echoed out and Bob stumbled out, drawing a second blade from his belt.

(Your powers are still weak!)

"My will is strong! You have yet to see the peak of my spiritual power but you shall soon if you keep up this debacle!"

Bob picked up a bundle of bath soaps, and with several lightning-fast cleaves, sent a dozen of the bars battering into Kiev's chest. Kiev grunted, opening a bottle of mouthwash and throwing its contents around Bob's feet, causing him to fly onto his back. Kiev slowly worked his way into the back corner of the store, but it seemed nothing slowed Bob down enough for him to strike. They slowly crossed through the deli, and while Kiev was quick enough to avoid the potentially lethal vegetarian wieners thrown at him, he was finally defeated by a flying piece of head cheese.

(Now where is this power you speak of? Fool! Sit down and die!)

Kiev continued stumbling back, feeling his vitality fade. His hands flitted around, trying to find a suitable weapon. But none came.

Then he hit it.

Glass fell to the ground in slow motion as Kiev's fist plowed through it, reaching in desperation for the item in the display case that had been stuffed away in the corner because Nook was too lazy to ship it back to its manufacturer. The unimaginably soft fabric glinted in the dimly lit store as Kiev spun with it in his hands, and Bob could do little but look on in fear as Kiev tied the bright yellow carpet around his neck. It draped down his back, glittering as Kiev stood with his fist forward.

"FENG SHUI COLLECTION 2003!!"

(Damn it! A relic from the past! How could you have possibly known my weakness?! You are truly a worthy opponent, Kiev!)

"EXCUSE me!" Nook tapped his foot. "Are you going to pay for that?"

Kiev and Bob stared at each other for a moment.

"No." Kiev said.

* * *

SCENE CHANGE!!!

* * *

(Whoa whoa whoa. So you're not paying for it?)

"What are you talking about? I wasn't going to leave with it, I needed it to defend myself... but I couldn't explain with YOU beating down on me, so I had to get out of there."

(Wow, you're an ass.)

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Kiev sighed, looking away for a moment. When he glanced back, he was surprised to find Bob kneeling in front of him. "...what the hell are you doing... we haven't caused any deaths so far, this fight isn't outrageous enough yet."

(I am afraid... that you have already defeated me. I was delivered to Helle to stop the citizens of this town from gaining any more information on the Nook Syndicate's operations, at least until they were complete. As you probably know their actions occur outside of your sphere of perception, and therefore we deemed it necessary to stop developing your side of this story. Therefore, I deemed it necessary to buy the author World of Warcraft and hope it would be enough to stop Helle from being written to the end. It seemed to have worked, but recently Helle chapter 6 was found somewhere on his desktop. This was enough to divert him away from Warcraft for a split second, enough time for you to reestablish consciousness.)

"So you mean that the Nook Syndicate has already..."

(...subverted the world economy. The world is doomed.)

"So what am I supposed to do now?"

THE END

"What the hell. No. Nice try. You just want to get back to WoW don't you? I think I understand all of this now. You were dragging me around at the start of the chapter, because you thought that you had absolute control over me, and you wanted to kill me off to make the story end!"

Well... something to that effect.

(Who was that?)

"I don't think I'll ever know. And if I did, I would kick his ass. But seriously, what am I supposed to do now?"

(Kiev... I am not supposed to endow you with this knowledge, but I have a device on my uniform that allows me to breach the space-time continuum. I don't know why. Actually I don't even know where it is on me. But I'm a cyborg ninja, and therefore I'm psychic. Just push some buttons on me I guess. One of them will take you 3 years into the past, so you can destroy my copy of World of Warcraft and prevent this catastrophe from happening.)

Kiev stared dully at Bob. "...I only see one button on you. A big red button on your groin."

Gwen walked inbetween them. "Don't worry hun. I'll handle that. You just go back into the past and solve this mess."

"Gwen? What are you doing here?"

"Excuse me? I was about to ask what YOU two were doing in the shower with me."

* * *

TIME WARP-O!

* * *

Man, FFXI sucks ass. This World of Warcraft game looks kind of cool though.

"Don't do it! You have to keep writing and stuff! Don't leave me to rot with all this crossover fanfiction!"

...who was that?

"It's me, Kie... I mean, I am the lord! Yes, the lord. Or whatever religious figure you believe in. I don't pay attention to details. Anyways, FFXI is a big dumb retarded timesink, and although WoW is not so much a big dumb retarded timesink, it's a timesink nonetheless! I'm speaking to you through your computer now to let you know that I'm going to leap out of this monitor and kill you in 3 years if you don't listen to me and stop playing MMORPGs!"

Are MMORPGs evil?

"Is this a rhetorical question?"

Well... uh, yeah, you are supposedly the lord and all.

"So you believed everything I said?"

No.

"Are you athiest?"

I'm agnostic.

"So you believe there is a religious superpower that could deliver you the message I just said?"

Well, technically, yes...

"So what I just said has merit."

Do you really handle random killings and redemption at the same time? I mean, really-

"Do you question my motives?"

No, I just-

"That's it. You are so totally damned."

But I-

"OPEN NOTEPAD!"

O-okay, I hav-

"NOW TYPE! HELLE! CHAPTER 6! GIVE IT A SNAPPY TITLE!"

Any su-suggestions, Lord?

"DEDICATE IT TO MY UNENDING POWER! DO IT, WHELP! DRINK IN MY INFINITE STRENGTH!!"

* * *

Helle

Chapter 6 : Infinity, lol (okay, we've got this cleared up now I think)

* * *

Kiev opened his door, making sure to look both ways before stepping out onto the porch. He suddenly jumped back inside, staring at the porch intently. Rover slumped over to him, wrapped in a blue housecoat. "...Kiev... this is the first time since we've gotten here that you've woken up before noon. What's going on?"

"The porch shouldn't run away this time."

"Kiev, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but did you do something to the coffee machine? It was set to stop brewing at 8 AM, but it's still going and there's not even half a cup in there yet."

"No idea. Listen, I gotta run to Tangy's for a bit, you just sit there and watch that coffee." Kiev ran to the edge of the porch and vaulted over. He landed running, tearing off into the bushes.

8 hours passed.

Kiev stumbled through the other end of the thickets, coughing and wheezing. He crouched, trying to regain his breath. "What the hell? It should've only been a 10-minute jog to Tangy's at the most... something's not right here."

"HEAD FIGHT!!" Cube hurled his head as hard as he could, smashing Kiev in the face. He tumbled down the hill, plummeting 80 feet off the edge into the ocean.

"WHOA what the-" Kiev sat up, finding himself back on his porch. "Why am I back here?"

"I was wondering what you were doing all day..." Rover mumbled. "You went and got yourself killed. And now you home pointed."

"I what? But that's from Final Fantas..." Kiev slowly pivoted back forward, turning a ghostly white. "...oh, no. BOB! Where are you?!"

(Above you.) Bob jumped down from the roof, landing in front of Kiev and Rover. (I see you succeeded in changing the past. What you did, however, we may not recover from.)

"I stopped the author from playing World of Warcraft. But instead, he just kept on playing FFXI, and soon devolved into a FFXI fanboy ready to accept all the greivances of the game, including every single last unnecessary... timesink."

(Exactly. Now what do you expect to do?)

"I needed to check on Tangy and the other people in the town to make sure that they were all intact... but what difference does it make if we're all stuck in something approximating FFXI? What would we have needed to do to stop the Nook Syndicate in this timeline?"

(Well, you'd need to be at least level 70 to fight the mysterious head of the Nook Syndicate. So... 4 limit break quests. You still have to level your subjob. And you have to make money for better armor. Actually, scratch that, you're a Dark Knight, you suck. You should've been a ninja like me. So level ninja, level the sub for that, make money to buy gear for THAT, then do all the prerequisite missions, farm for more gear, level up, then...)

"You know what..." Rover droned. "I... think I'm going to go back inside."

"You do that." Kiev mumbled.

Bob sat at a card table with an adding machine, with paper shooting out of it and spilling onto the ground. (This will take you approximately 17 years. You still wouldn'tve succeeded in defeating the Nooks anyways.)

"Oh hell. I'd better go back in time again then. I don't know what I can do to change the timeline to something that actually allows us to succeed in being the heroes of this fanfic, but I have to... actually..." Kiev rubbed his chin. "...say if we were to know that the author would end up playing World of Warcraft... and that this world was based on that... what would we have to do to beat the Nooks?"

(Level a warlock to 60.)

"Done deal! Let's go save the future!"

(We're in the future now, dumbshit.)

"OKAY THEN!"

* * *

ZA WARUDO!!

* * *

Man, FFXI sucks ass. This World of Warcraft game looks kind of cool though.

"It sure does!"

"Don't do it! You have to keep writing and st... hey, who the hell are you?"

"I'm you, except with brains! Warcraft is essential to your survival, and if you know what's good for you, you'll sit the hell down and let me talk!"

"Make me!"

"With pleasure!"

What the hell.

"Hey, can you rewrite my description so I have eyebeams? This imposter needs to be taught a lesson."

"Give me hydraulic arms. Ima punch his lights out."

"He's totally on my side. Look. Pew pew pew!"

"He gave you EYE BEAMS?! I want my hydraulic arms!"

"Ha, ha, no such lu-GUHH! Fuh! Muh jah!!"

"You lose, poindexter!"

You know... this is kind of fun to write.

* * *

Kiev slowly opened his eyes. No sooner had he gotten them open was he showered with applause from all directions.

"...huzzah..." Kiev sat up, slowly turning his legs out of the bed he was in. "Where am I..."

"Man... it really is Kiev." Rover stood at the foot of the bed, grinning. "Do you really not know where you are? This is Helle's medical center."

"My memory's kinda fuzzy."

"You've been in a coma for 3 years, hun," Gwen murmured. "We were starting to think you'd never come out alive. You were leaving your house that day and you were just walking off your porch when it sprouted legs and ran off the nearest cliff. You were gone like a toot in the wind. Rover and Tangy here nursed you back to health. You should be thankful for friends like these."

Kiev blinked. "You kept me on life support for 3 years?"

"Main characters are hard to replace," Cube shook his head. "Especially 5 chapters in."

"It's great to have you back, Kiev." Nook nodded.

"What day is it?" Kiev barked. "Did the Nook Syndicate come back?"

"October 31st, 2006, and I happened to get some email today saying that they forgot about me for 3 years, but they intend to send some people to strap me to a red-hot girder and flog me with tar-laden chickens. So, yes, everything seems to be how you left it."

"Well, that's good to hear." Kiev stood up, brushing himself off. "That means we can continue our battle against the Nooks. But first, there's something I need to do." Kiev marched to the door of the small room, grabbing his folded clothes off a nearby chair.

"What's that?" Totokeke continued picking at the same guitar string as he had the past several years. It broke with a loud twang. "Are you going to pay your respects before you rush off to imaginary battle again?"

"No," Kiev said triumphantly. "I have to level my warlock."

Everyone stared blankly at him.

"You do that then." Rover sighed.

Down the hall, Tangy could be seen running towards Kiev with her arms outstretched.

"KIEV! Over these three years I've been able to do nothing but mull over my hidden emotions for you and now that I see you in perfect condition, I can finally confirm that I lov-"

* * *

CHAPTER CHANGE!!!

* * *

Comments? Queries? Death threats?

Ultimanium

keyvanualberta.ca

(A/N - Yes, I understand this chapter is kind of short... this is the first serious writing that I've done in years, I promise my fics will get back up to regular speed in a while... really.)


	7. It's Like the End, But It's Not

_(I understand this is terribly noobish of me to ask, but I do have other fanfics that are in dire need of attention and it'd be cool if people checked them out. I'm not going to do the 'R&R plz' crap, I'm fine with just getting hits... knowing that people actually look at what I post is enough motive for me to continue doing what I'm doing (if you want to comment on it, more power to you), and the more tangible motive I have, the more likely it is that I actually create new content._

_In short, read NSX, it's not just Kingdom-Hearts-inspiration #2564346, at least I think tha-)_

ANYWAYS!!!

Ch-chank.

Ch-chunk.

Ch-chank.

Kiev sat with his arms slumped across his lap, his eyes slowly lolling from one side to the other as a train hurtled by on the track fifty feet away. He wheezed again, leaning back. He was seated on one of the few remaining benches in front of Helle's train station. He stood up, not taking much notice as the bench collapsed into debris behind him. Kiev stuck his hands in his pockets as he walked up to the station platform, kicking along an empty pop can. Totokeke sat inside, dressed in a blue operator's outfit that obviously hadn't been washed for decades. Totokeke had his feet up on the ticket counter, continuing to tune his guitar as Kiev strode up.

"As much as I encourage bums of your breed to contribute to society," Kiev mumbled. "Couldn't Nook find anyone more qualified to run the ticket booth?"

"Well, y'see..." Totokeke strummed the strings softly, causing a different one to snap apart and lash Kiev straight down the face. "...er, I know that you were shocked to learn that the Anima train system started service again in your absence, but when Porter heard that the railways were gettin' shut down three years ago for an indeterminate period of time, he gave us all a solid nod and told us that he'd had some things he needed to do."

Kiev rubbed the growing welt between his eyes. "You mean the old ticketmaster, yeah? What did he have to do?"

Totokeke half-shrugged, tying another guitar string into place. "Wha, I don't read minds son, I wasn't even hanging around Helle when he supposedly took his leave. He did say he was leavin' his baggage behind, whatever that weirdo meant. Say, what time do you got there..."

"5 PM."

"Ah, right. I'd better get to doin' my sweeping, or pickin' up debris, or fixing whatever needs to be unscuttled around here... keep talking, I'm just gonna go grab a broom, but I wanna know how you and that Rover fellow have been biding your time." Totokeke pushed himself back forward, resting his guitar on the counter as he turned and waded through knee-deep junk food wrappers to a closet in the back corner of the cashier room.

"Oh not much. Yesterday morning I found him in the kitchen writhing around on the floor, saying some weird crap like the end of Helle is coming and we have to do something, but so far we've managed to save Helle from everything including 3 years of my own negligence, so I have no idea what could be happening."

"Meh, I always thought he was a little odd, even if he knows how to keep a cool head, but he's not used to being cooped up in one place for so long. Y'know, I used to ride the rails, and Rover'd always be riding this way and that, always striking up conversation with whoever he'd be sitting with. I mean conversation in the broadest sense, it didn't matter where he was going or who he came across, he could chat up a storm with his passengers even if he didn't know them. It was a little disturbing, actually."

_As a train continued on to its destination, Rover bobbed back and forth in his seat, staring up at the woman sitting in front of him with a wide smile. From her stature she would have had to be at least 8 feet tall, wearing a black leather jacket with the sleeves torn off that exposed her tattoed arms, bristling with muscle._

_Rover nodded. "Hi."_

_"...hi." the woman mumbled._

_"Do you mind if I sit here?" Rover said eagerly. "I promise I won't fall asleep, tumble onto you, and start drooling on your shirt!"_

_She glared daggers at him._

_"Uh, okay..." Rover hopped up onto the leather seat facing her, tossing his suitcase to his side. "Say, by the way, what's your name?"_

_"Helga."_

_"Well that's neat. Not that my opinion matters much. What matters is, do YOU like the name Helga?"_

_"It's my gang name. It is a testament to how badass I am."_

_"Oh!" Rover nodded fervently. "You must be a boy!"_

_As the train slowed down at the next stop, two people could be seen carrying Rover's destroyed body out on a stretcher._

"...really." Kiev rested his arms on his side of the ticket counter. "Well, other than that... I haven't been up to much myself... been leveling my warlock. Soon I think I'll be powerful enough to go to Anigrad."

"Oh really. How's that going for you?"

An washing-machine-sized ball of flame plummeted out of the sky elsewhere, sending Hornsby's flower garden up in an earthshaking explosion.

"Well that's good." Totokeke latched onto the closet door handle, twisting it. It didn't budge. He planted both hands on it, jerking it to the side as hard as he could. Totokeke stumbled back and fell down as the door flew open, and the mostly-decayed corpse of a monkey in his operator outfit tumbled out with a dull plop, with a rope tied firmly around its neck. "Whoo-ee! I wondered why it smelled like something died in here! When Porter said he was leaving behind some things he could've at least taken this with him!"

Kiev's eye twitched as he stared down at the name tag on the uniform. "Oh, he left some baggage behind, alright."

* * *

**Helle**

**Chapter 7: It's Like the End, But It's Not (in which you get to da choppa, RUN, GO, GET TO DA CHOPPA)**

* * *

Kiev jogged back down the forest paths, eventually coming up to his house. Wheezing he walked the last few steps, ascending to the porch and barging through the front door. As it slammed shut, the porch folded up into a giant robot and flew away. 

"Yo Rover, did you get over your mental breakdown y-WHOA!!" Kiev hit the floor as a shotgun blast tore through the door behind him, gasping for breath, Kiev slowly pushed himself back to his feet, with one hand clutching his chest. "What the hell?!"

In the kitchen Rover slowly stuck his head over a barricade made up of the kitchen table, several chairs, and virtually every cooking utensil in the house, including several dozen boxes of cereal. Rover heaved a sigh, taking a pot off of his head and emptying a pair of shells out of the sawed-off shotgun in his other hand. "Yeesh. Kiev, at least knock."

"What the frick is going on here? I walk in here and you nearly take my head off! And why are you boxing yourself in the kitchen?"

Two atennae poked over top of the pile of debris, and the head of a giant cockroach eventually rose up besides Rover. "Oh shaddup, haven't you seen what's going on in town?"

"YOU..." Kiev grumbled. "What sort of divine intervention got you off the crapper, might I ask?"

"Listen you ingrate, you'd say that my entire existence revolves around taking a dump of epic proportions, and you'd be correct, but even I'm smart enough to run for shelter if I find my life threatened unlike you. Now get the hell back here before I stop tolerating you again."

Kiev stuck his hands out in front of him. "Whoa whoa whoa. Both of you, shut up. Now what's going on here?"

"Haven't you heard?" Rover shouted back. "The Anima train systems are back up and running! Two of the five trains running the rails have passed by today! According to the schedule posted in the town hall, the next three are going to be stopping in Helle! Now we can finish our plan and get to Anigrad, and stop the Nook Syndicate!"

"Well, solving Nook's problems and potentially getting home in the future are things I'm ecstatic about, but that still doesn't explain why you're putting holes in everyone that enters."

"I have these." Rover ducked back behind the barricade, standing back up with two slips of paper in his hand. "I got two first-class train tickets to Anigrad!"

"Where'd you get the money for that?" Kiev tilted his head.

"I sold the porch. Some weird people in colored costumes came by and said it had the animated properties they were looking for, whatever that meant, but they did happen to pay top dollar for it. Soooo, I managed to snag these this morning. Since then my life has been miserable."

"Ahh. Everyone wants tickets. But why yours?"

"Because the printing presses that originally make these tickets are based in Anigrad, and as you know, there hasn't been a shipment of new ones since our incident on the train shut down the lines. These two are the only legible ones in Helle, and everyone is fighting tooth and nail for them, not just against me, but each other."

"You know what... hang on." Kiev spun around on his heels and marched out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

* * *

"Takato!" Kiev jumped up the stairs of the station platform, wheezing for breath as he stumbled to a stop in front of the ticket window. 

"Totokeke." Totokeke was still sitting with his legs up, strumming his guitar.

"This is important," Kiev coughed. "You've gotta let me in."

"Although this is a totally unexplained comprimise of security, I think I can comply with that. Gimme a sec." Totokeke forced his chair back forward and stood up. Kiev followed the wall leading to the office door, and forced his way through it as it was unlocked from behind. Kiev strode into the office, beginning to throw open desk and cabinet drawers. He dug through their contents, stopping every so often to throw some into Totokeke's face. "...can I help you, dude?"

"Tarbaster! Did you sell two tickets this morning?"

"Yeah man, it was to Rover... he said one was for you if that's what you're getting in a frizzle over, and I think I already said my name was Totok-"

"Turpentine, were those the only two tickets you had to start with?"

"Well, yeah, those were the only two in the ticket drawer, I thought that was just a planned shortage though, no one gave any other explanation to me."

Kiev glanced around in frustration at all the open cupboards, papers still drifting to the ground. He made his way over to the broom closet, lurching to a halt as he nearly tripped over Porter's corpse. Kiev covered his nose. "Okay, Turnbuckle, can you get rid of this freaking thing or at least give it a proper burial?"

"Do you think I'd get paid for it?" Totokeke said dully. Kiev and him suddenly spun back to the front of the counter as they heard a shrill scream. Monique stood at the cashier, turning even more pale white than usual. THAT was a feat that needed to be seen to be believed.

"What have you two done?!" Monique screeched. "I always said that Porter's miserable life needed to end, but I wasn't asking someone to actually do it!"

"Oh, what the hell... look at him, he's almost finished decomposing in front of me, do you honestly think we had any part in... urgh, we need to distract her somehow so we can make a break for it." Kiev muttered.

"I can handle this, but I'll need more help." Totokeke whispered back.

Nook and Rover slid in behind Kiev.

"A barbershop quartet! Yeah, I think this'll do... now we just need someone to get the corpse out of clear view..."

Everyone paused as Cube raced in, hurled Porter over his shoulders and darted back out, cackling the whole way.

"We're ready to go. Everyone, a one, and a two, and-"

**Dead, dead, dead, dead-dead-dead  
D-E-A-A-A-D-Dead, dead, dead, dead**

**We understand your concern in the matter,  
but the matter doesn't know youuu  
Your knowledge of events is extremely li-mi-ted  
Shut up before we hurt youuu**

**Although it makes us look viiiiolent,  
we're all actually well-behaved gents  
If you think some deceased is behiiind us  
You must be like the kid from Sixth Sense**

Monique blinked. "It's not there?"

"Your mind is deceiving, conniving and greiving, locking you in this trance!" Totokeke yelled.

Nook slid across the floor on his knees, stopping so his eyes peered over the top of the counter. "But if you take a moment to stop and listen, we'll free you with song and daaaaaaance..."

**You honestly think we killed this man?  
It'd take a cunning, daring and masterful plan  
Killing is wrong, we just can't force a laugh**

Kiev stuck his head out into the lobby. "We have manners!"

**But even if we were the murdering type  
This stench is making the bystanders gripe  
We'd move the body, not even we're that daft**

Totokeke waved his arms furiously. "Okay, whoa whoa whoa, first of all, Kiev didn't move the body either so he's just as guilty as I am here."

"Why is it MY responsibility?" Kiev growled. "You LIVE in the freaking place!"

"GUYS! Guys." Rover stepped between the two. "You can argue all you want later."

"We're already past the chorus, can't we just leave now?" Nook said flatly.

**This song's supposed to be 'bout kiiilling, or lack thereof so to speak,  
But we're pulling our hair and chanting out swears, so by now we've lost our mystique  
So as you see, to the contrary, to everything we've just said  
If we weren't all belting this song right now, every single one of us would be dead  
'cause in this happy animal kingdom, there's some bad apples so to say,  
But we indeed plea our sincerity, so please move along on your way**

**Dead, dead, dead, dead-dead-dead  
D-E-A-A-A-D-Dead, dead, dead, dead**

**People die all the time, don't raise such a fuss  
But if you really feel the need to, no point blaming us**

Kiev leant over to Monique. "Because then I wouldn't feel the need to come to your house in the middle of the night and break in and come into your bedroom and destroy everything precious to you then hit you in the face with a crowbarrrrrr. And that would really suck for youuuuuuu."

**So please remember what we said  
Don't forget what we just said  
You won't forget what we just said  
Kiev'll enforce what just was said  
Believe everything that he just said  
But above all else we all just said  
That WE... WEREN'T... HERE!**

All four quickly jumped into a single-file line and shuffled off the platform into the nearby woods. Monique continued to stand in a comatose state in the middle of the station lobby.

"That was close," Kiev mumbled. "Okay... now that that's over with, what I was TRYING to do was see if the station had any bundles of earlier-printed tickets. I dug around in your office and eventually I found them, sitting in the broom closet behind Porter was, but they were destroyed by Porter's bodily fluids."

Nook shrugged. "Well if that's the case, then those two tickets you have are the only ones in Helle. I was supposed to get more ink for the printing press so we could make more for the station, but that was supposed to be on the #1 train that came through here a week ago. We got nothing. HOWEVER, I did get an email this morning saying that a replacement press with enough ink to keep this town supplied for years would be coming on train 3."

"How far apart are trains 4 and 5 from 3?" Kiev sighed.

"3 should be arriving here in half an hour. 4 an hour after that, 5 an hour after 4."

"We should be able to get the printer set up in an hour when it arrives, and we can fire off more tickets in time to grab the next ride after that." Rover folded his arms. "For now we can surrender the two tickets we have and wait for the next batch."

"WAIT wait wait, are you serious?" Kiev interjected. "We've been waiting for years to get out of this dump and you're perfectly fine with giving up our two passes to salvation and waiting another hour? Are you some kind of Helleophile?"

"Listen to yourself." Rover spat. "You heard what Nook said, if we wait on the next tickets to be printed we're in Helle an extra hour. No big deal. It's better to give up the tickets we have to those who REALLY want it badly enough, like Lily, you know, the one that ran at me while I was on my morning jog with a bomb strapped to her chest?"

"Does she even know how to make a bomb?"

"No, it turns out it was a guitar amplifier with a bug zapper inside and she electrocuted herself when she tried to set it off. But that's not the point here."

"Come ON, Rover," Kiev planted his hands firmly on Rover's shoulders. "This is Helle, what HASN'T gone wrong since we got here? If we don't take this chance now, some giant cataclysmic event is going to happen that shuts down any hope of leaving this place for another few years or worse."

"Well, yeah, but one hour, what could possibly happen in one hour?"

**If you would like Kiev to make a snide remark relating a past event in Helle to his and Rover's current situation, thereby notifying him that anything and everything could go wrong in the next hour, press 1.  
If you would like Kiev to acknowledge Rover's motive and agree with him, thus avoiding a hit to their friendship, press 2.  
If you would like Totokeke to be hit by a monster truck that will then burst into flames, press 3.**

Everyone paused as a Bigfoot roared over a nearby hill, smashing apart every tree in its path, and flattened Totokeke as it came down. It suddenly ignited, spinning out and crashing through Hornsby's house. Hornsby stepped out of the door carrying a large watering can. He glanced over to his garden, watching a smoldering ball of flame eating apart the ground where his garden once was. "Guess I'd better get the seeds out aga..." he turned back to his home, sulking as the rest of it fell to the ground. "...oh."

Kiev stared blankly. "Well that was a little biased."

Rover looked up, reaching out to catch a paper as it floated down to him. "...hey, this is another ticket! It looks a little aged... whoa, this is from 12 years ago!"

"It's got the same kind of stains as Totokeke's uniform... maybe he was hiding it." Nook rubbed a finger against the sheet, sniffing it. "Yep, that's coffee only a beatnik could love."

"Well, that makes three tickets now!" Kiev nodded. "That means we get to take a third person with us. Nook can get his first glimpse at Nook Syndicate HQ."

"A-are you sure?" Nook twitched. "I didn't think you two were still following through with going to Anigrad after all the crap you went through living here... Kiev, didn't you say that you were going to New York when you first arrived here?"

"The next train that comes through can take me to Saskatchewan for all I care, even that will suck less than here. Well... maybe." Kiev folded his arms again, looking away. "If we pass through Anigrad, you bet we'll make a little side visit to the Syndicate HQ. Once they're defeated I can once again live in peace."

"Peace knowing that you defeated an evil corporation determined to nickel and dime every living thing in Anima to death?" Rover said, watching as Kiev walked by him.

"Peace knowing that I can finish my Feng Shui carpet set... while only paying wholesale prices. Hey, Rover, where are the other tickets right now, anyways?"

"Got 'em right here." Rover dug in his right pocket, eventually removing the two other yellow strips of paper and holding them high. "We have three tickets that we could potentially use in half an hour, but even if we do... there's still one thing I'm wondering. I know some people in Helle want to get on the next train, but for what reason that they'd have enough motive to try to kill us?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

The group slowly turned around to face Tangy.

"Well, uh, no." Kiev droned.

"Everything that happens in Helle is only relevant as long as the protagonists are present," Tangy walked up to Kiev, cradling his chin with her hand. "The moment you accomplish the goal that was outlined in the first chapter, or, if you leave Helle right now and go fight the Nook Syndicate in Anigrad, anything that happens here no longer has any effect on you or Rover. If you take Nook with you, the Syndicate loses its link to Helle, causing Helle itself to cease to exist."

"The story is called Helle." Kiev remarked. He started to slump away, noticing Gwen grappled around his ankle.

"I think I get what's happening," Rover stepped forward. "Kiev's treated all of you like crap for so long that if he leaves without gaining any positive views of any of you, you'll all cease to exist when the story shifts away from Helle itself. So, everyone wants to get on the train before Kiev, Nook or I."

"Exactly!" Tangy nodded. "So we all have to grow as close to Kiev as we can so he gives up those tickets! Alright! Lemon scene with me and Kiev right now!"

"No." Kiev shot back.

"Lemon-lime?"

"No."

"Just lime then?"

"No."

"Kissy-kissy?"

"No."

"We can shake hands and be friends though right?"

"...you aren't going to sexually assault me when you see an opening, are you?"

"...well, I gu-"

"No."

"You know, I'm a main character here, if anyone develops a bond with me you'll all carry on as normal, and I can assure you that I'm a more easygoing guy than Kiev here'll ever be." Rover held out his hand to Tangy. "Friends?"

Tangy's eyes slowly rolled over to Rover's. "...you're creepy."

Rover grumbled, glancing away. "Pot, meet kettle."

"What about me?" Nook stepped forward. "Everyone in this town knows me, and they've all been forced to develop relationships with me as they've all been forced to buy things from me at one point or another."

Kiev glanced over to Nook. "What if they related to you by wishing you were dead for charging them insane prices for staple products in your store, secretly planning to murder you in your sleep not knowing that you were the puppet of a secret organization with its headquarters hundreds of miles away?"

Nook meekly stepped back.

"So what you're insisting, Kiev..." Rover folded his arms. "...is that we hop the first train and let everyone else here rot away into oblivion? We've been here for three and a half years, and... well, you were alive for a few months at best but that's not the point. Even if you somehow still totally hate everyone's guts, that's still a little inethical. Are you totally sure you can't wait for the print ink to get here and wait another hour while we fire off some more tickets?"

"No, no I can't."

"We've been arguing too long, we have just over 20 minutes to come to a conclusion here. And you still haven't given me one valid reason that we should give up the ghost and sit out while everyone who needs to catches this train."

"Oh oh oh, I've got it." Kiev clapped his hands together. "If we go to Anigrad right now, we can solve then entire hoopla about the Nook Syndicate ONE HOUR earlier than we would be able to if we waited for the next train. And need I remind you, there's a lot of towns with Nooks, we'd be saving a lot of people, more than we would be here. What situation are you placing all those unfortunate souls in if you deny them their freedom for another hour? How's THAT for ethical concerns, poindexter?"

"Although I need to slap you into next week for saying that, I think you've got me beat." Rover sighed. "So we're stuck with two situations, we can be ethical in one but not the other. Therefore no matter what we do, we're causing someone suffering."

"Real life didn't stop when we fell off that train, genius!" Kiev barked.

**1 - Rover reminds Kiev that nothing within the realm of reason has happened since he fell off his original train.  
2 - Rover stays his hand, again avoiding his friendship from taking a lethal turn.  
3 - Kiev admits his undying love for Tangy.  
Text your response to 55331.**

"I'm going to stay my hand, because if I answer our friendship could take a lethal turn." Rover said, nodding.

"Oh C'MON!" Tangy yelled out to the sky.

Kiev rolled his eyes. "Well your 'ethics' argument has fallen apart, how do you propose we solve this problem, Mr. Smooth Thinker?"

"If there were some way all of us could get on the first train and escape Helle using only the three tickets we have, would you concede to that plan?"

"Only if you're the one sitting with me."

"Deal."

"Deal."

"Okay, now what?"

"We think of a way to get everyone on the train."

Kiev shrugged. "Now that I think of it, we don't technically need tickets to get everyone on the train. We could just fight our way on I suppose."

"But that's unethical which takes us right back to where we started," Rover shot back. "And remember, that's what got the train system shut down to begin with. If we fail at this, we may never have another chance to get out of here."

"Will you SHUT UP about this ethics crap, and quit pestering me with your logical conclusions. This is an unrealistic problem, we need an unrealistic solution. We're hijacking that train if you absolutely HAVE to save both Helle and Nook."

"I'm still here, you know." Nook murmured.

"SHUT UP!" Rover and Kiev yelled.

"Okay, we're going to rally everyone in Helle and talk them out of killing us," Kiev said. "Once we have that accomplished, we're going to formulate a plan to take control of the train when it comes in. We've got about 15 minutes, we should be able to do that. We'll have the numbers, that's for sure."

"What are we going to do, just bumrush the engine room? Even we're not that sophisticated."

"Who needs sophistication? We can just do what that stupid toad did and hold passengers hostage with any object of our choosing. People are paranoid like that, especially in public transportation."

Rover looked away for a moment.

_Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, pointing a pistol into the air. "I HAVE A GODDAMN GUN!"_

_An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! HE COULD SHOOT US!"_

_Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, holding a hunting knife above his head. "I HAVE A GODDAMN KNIFE!"_

_An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! HE COULD STAB US!"_

_Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, holding a plastic bag in one hand. "I HAVE A GODDAMN GROCERY BAG!"_

_An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! HE COULD SUFFOCATE US BY WRAPPING THAT BAG OVER OUR INDIVIDUAL HEADS AND HOLDING IT THERE FOR SEVERAL MINUTES!"_

_Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, pointing a remote control into the crowd. "I HAVE A GODDAMN REMOTE CONTROL!"_

_An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! THE RAYS THAT REMOTE EMITS MUST HAVE SOME KIND OF NEGATIVE EFFECT ON ME EVENTUALLY BUT I CAN'T COMPREHEND EXACTLY WHAT!"_

_Kiev burst through the door into the passenger compartment, quickly kneeling down and setting up a space heater. "I HAVE A GODDAMN SPACE HEATER!"_

_An old woman screamed. "GOOD LORD! IF HE LEAVES THAT SPACE HEATER UNATTENDED LONG ENOUGH HE COULD POTENTIALLY START A FIRE, AND FIRE COULD KILL US!"_

Rover turned back to Kiev. "You've got a point there."

"We're still going to need everyone else's cooperation though, and we're going to need it fast." Rover started off in the direction of the train station. "We don't have much time if we're going to give them a speech before the train actually gets here. That is, if we survive long enough to beg their support."

"Speaking of everyone else," Kiev scratched the back of his head. "Where IS everyone anyways?

* * *

Copper stood triumphantly on top of a hill near Kiev and Rover's home, watching as it continued to burn. Resting one hand on his hip, he reached up with his other, taking his pipe out of his mouth. "That's right you little ingrates, burn for all that you actually haven't taken from us, but potentially could. The first time I saw you delinquents in my office, I knew that you would bring nothing but suffering to Helle. And it's time you took that back... tenfold. Ha. Hahaha... mwahahaha... mmmMMWAHAHAHA-" 

"Uh... so I like... we... um... we didn't find Kiev or Rover inside... I think... at least I'm pretty sure, yeah..." Booker walked up behind Copper, carrying a mug of coffee. Copper spun around, causing Booker's mug to explode from the sheer force of his stare.

"What the hell? You weren't supposed to go IN there! You know full well we were gonna smoke those vermin out of their house so we could beat their sorry asses down! If they knew we were coming our plan would've been ruined! And who knows, you could've been stuck in there while the house burnt do... hmm... that does seem like an issue... Booker, go back into the house. I'm sorry I tried to call you out on that. You were doing the right thing."

"B-but... the house... it's, like... on fire, isn't it?"

"Yes, it's on fire. But it's where you need to be right now. Are you questioning my authority?"

"Well, no, but I... uh... oh, okay, I'll go back..."

"That's the spirit." Cooper saluted Booker before he stumbled back down the hill. "...well that's a load off my shoulders..." he glanced in the other direction as Olivia jogged up to him, nearly tripping over her own tail every step. "Oh now what..."

"Chief and I moved all the furniture out of the house! Aren't you proud of us?"

"Oh god..." Cooper slapped his forehead. "What compelled you to do that? We're trying to exterminate these twerps, I don't think your desire for their exquisite leather sofa has ANYTHING to do with what anyone else wants. Get out of my sight."

"Oh oh oh," Olivia clapped her hands together. Her tail shot up as she nodded. "Chief wanted me to tell you that his equipment found a huuuuge pocket of methane inside the house! I dunno why, I don't know what methane is worth to anyone..."

"Splendid. The place'll go down even faster now... I sure hope Kiev and Rover come out eventually, I'm going to ne... I mean, we're going to need those tickets intact. Did Chief say explicitly where the methane was?"

"Uh, yeah! The bathroom!"

Cooper raised an eyebrow. "The bathroom?"

* * *

Kiev, Rover and Nook took no notice of the mushroom cloud rising over the horizon. Kiev started walking towards the town center, but stopped as a washing machine plunged out of the sky and crashed into the ground in front of him. Tilting his head, he knelt down to brush dirt off the door. "...what the... Rover, this is OUR washing machine!" 

"Forget about that! Get over here!" Rover was hunched down elsewhere, shoveling dirt to his sides with both hands as various other pieces of furniture rained down around him. Taking another several clumps of earth and throwing them over his shoulder, Rover finally reached down and picked up a giant cockroch. "Ned! Are you alright?!"

"Oohhh... I dunno what kind of bowel movement that was, but it was freakin' epic..." Ned's attenae drifted around for a bit before straightening again. "...I was sittin' on the crapper, like you make fun of me for, when all of a sudden I started gettin' kinda warm... and it started getting hotter and hotter, and I knew, this would be it! All of a sudden there was light and fire all around me, and a sonic boom tore through the room! I blink for just one stupid second and I'm sittin' here covered in dirt!"

Kiev stared at Rover. His eye twitched.

"What?" Rover muttered.

Kiev smiled. "They blew up our house."

"...so you're saying that I was wrong to trust them to have any salvagable decency."

"My emotional state cannot be expressed in mortal terms." Kiev said flatly.

Rover and Nook shoved themselves under Ned's arms, holding him up. Rover turned back to Kiev, sighing. "Alright then. Your plan."

"Exactly." Kiev turned again, running into the trees. Rover and Nook followed behind him, all three headed towards the train station in the distance.

"I can't believe this!" Ned screeched. "...I... I don't feel blocked up anymore! I don't know what that big freakin' explosion accomplished, but this is RAD!"

The steps of the platform became visible in the distance, and Kiev's heart started to race. A squeal filled the air - the sound of a train beginning its long chugs that would eventually put it at rest. All four burst out into the clearing, making the final dash for the platform. "Crap, what are we going to do? We have three tickets and four people! I wasn't expecting this..."

"Hang on guys," Nook watched two large men exiting a larger door on the train, carrying a large crate with 'PRINT INK' emblazoned on the side. "I think I've got this covered." Nook shoved Ned into Rover's hands, jumping up to the cargo workers. "Mmhm! Excuse me you two! I believe this crate is for me!"

"Uh, okay," one man grunted.

"Okay then! You two go back inside and do what you two big hairy musclemen do while I inspect this package and make sure I got exactly what I wanted." Nook watched as the two workers went back into the train, and when they left, he quickly shoved the box along the ground into the ticket office. He tipped the box on its side, prying the lid off with a nearby crowbar. As he dumped the cans of ink out. Kiev, Rover and Ned ducked into the room with him.

"What are you doing?" Kiev whispered.

"Exactly what it looks like," Nook hissed. "I'm going to tell the workers that we got the wrong brand of ink, and get the crate shipped to Anigrad for replacement ink. Except... there's going to be no ink in here."

Kiev slowly grew a grin, turning his stare to Ned. "Ohhhhh. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Rover smiled back to Kiev. "I think I'm thinking what you're thinking!"

* * *

"I don't think I thank what you thunk!" Rover growled. 

"Oh, shut up, this isn't going to be a long ride, and besides, when you get to Anigrad SOMEONE'S going to figure out that your box contains an illegal alien. By then you should be able to make a break for it."

"This is bullsh-" Kiev quickly slammed the lid back down on the box, whistling as he pounded nails into it at the corners. The remaining three went back around the other side, pushing the crate back out onto the platform.

"This is the wrong brand of ink!" Nook screeched as the two laborers came back out of the cargo car. "I'm going to pay the shipping fees up front right now, and I'm going to get this crate returned to Anigrad so I can get the RIGHT kind of toner! Those idiots... well, there's nothing I can do! Take this box and put it back on the train please." Nook stepped back as each man took one end of the box.

"This thing weighs kind of different," one mumbled. "You don't think there's an illegal alien in here, do you?"

"Are you kidding? No one would put a living thing in this box, this is the volitile liquids car, it's airtight, remember?"

"Ohhh, yeah. Okay, just making sure."

"I realize I'm forfeiting all my personal possessions here, but we've gotta SPLIT before the townsfolk figure out what's going on." Kiev dug in his pockets, fishing out his three tickets as they all ran along the side of the train. It let out another whistle as the machinery started up again. Nook finally leapt in front of the open passenger car, passing out the tickets to the waiting operator. Ted looked over his shoulder, seeing the remaining townspeople charging at them from beyond the platform.

"You won't escape here alive!" Copper yelled.

"Totally not! Harrumph!" Chief grunted.

"Oh no you AREN'T!" Olivia hissed.

"Dude! Look at my head!" Cube took his head off again, spiking it as he ran.

"My huns... I hope you all know what you're doing." Gwen sighed.

"Level my warlock for me!" Hornsby shouted.

"Where am I?" a post-coma Monique slurred.

"FREUGHSHHSFHHHH." an undead Lily blarghed.

Nook started to jog along the train as it lurched forward, constantly shifting his stare between Kiev and Ned, standing in the doorway of the car alongside him, and the furious residents of Helle that now were on the train platform running at him.

Kiev stuck out his hand, nodding sternly. "Come with me if you want to live."

"Trust us, dude, we're here to help." Ned finished.

Nook nodded, thrusting out his arm. Kiev and Ned latched on, hoisting him into the car as the train finally left the platform, leaving behind Helle, and everything that existed in it. The group in pursuit slowly jogged to a halt at the edge of the platform, watching as the train slowly disappeared over the horizon.

"...TO THE HANDCAR!" Copper yelled, pointing to a platform on the adjacent rail with a twin-handled lever on it.

"Whoa, hold on." Cube interjected. "We had a handcar? So we could've just followed Kiev and them whether they got on the train or not. So why did we act so anally to them about leaving Helle before us if it we could've just used the handcar like we are now?"

Copper raised a clenched fist. "Because we wanted business class seating, damn it. Let's get on that cart, fellows, it looks like we're going to have to get to Anigrad through the power of high-school physics."

Everyone quickly crossed the tracks and piled onto the cart, grunting and groaning as they began pushing the lever up and down.

* * *

Ch-chank. 

Ch-chunk.

Ch-chank.

Kiev let his head rest on his palm, while his arm was pressed up against the windowsill. He watched the landscape blaze by, slowly starting to fall asleep. Ned sat next to him, Rover across from him. Kiev continued shifting his lips. "Y'know, any corporate grunt would sit in a seat like mine dreading his next destination. I think a lot of different people would, actually. But to me there's like neon signs saying 'you're riding the next train to paradise, 500 miles thataway'.

"...I haven't been on the rails for years. I guess I understand what you're getting at." Nook slowly took the same position as Kiev.

"When everything is over, I'm going to get a smelly bachelor suite in some cheapo apartment, go down to the local 7-11 and buy junk food every day, work some minimum wage job to fund both, and otherwise completely ignore everyone around me. That's bliss. I don't even care about getting to where I originally wanted to go. Actually, I don't even remember where I wanted to go to start with."

"New York."

Kiev slowly pivoted his head back to the aisle, and his eyes went wide - for sitting on the opposite car, was Tangy.

"Tangy?! How did you get on the train?" Kiev blurted.

"How else?" Tangy tipped her head towards the space heater sitting at her feet. As Kiev looked around, he realized everyone was giving her terrified stares.

"...oh. Right." Kiev slumped back in his seat.

"Although I think it's great that I eventually will get to meet my ultimate nemesis face to face..." Nook frowned. "I can't help but wonder what will happen to all the people in Helle that didn't get on that train. Kiev, are you absolutely sure that we couldn't have waited that extra hour so that everyone could have gotten tickets?"

"Nook, Nook, Nook," Kiev sighed. "You've seen everything that happened in Helle since me and Rover got there. Like I said, if we stayed a moment longer, some other huge disaster would've prevented us from leaving. It's as simple as that. It always was."

"Well, if you say so..." Nook trailed off. "Then let's go to Anigrad, and fix this mess once and for all."

* * *

Moments later an orbital laser struck Helle, destroying it and everything else in a 30-mile radius. A saucer-shaped spaceship far above slowly retracted its main cannon. Inside, two tentacled monsters operated computers with cryptic symbols flashing all around them. 

"Zyscghlop, are you sure this was the right thing to do? We have attacked a world that has not even interacted with us before! This will not bode well for our future interactions!"

"Yuisekfsen, did you not view the transmissions we intercepted from this planet's space agency? The gorilla-men and the banana-beasts, our mortal enemies, had developed an advanced outpost on this world in that area, and it was imperative that we vanquished it as soon as possible lest they gain a foothold here. Our work here is done, as our scans indicate that no carbon-based lifeforms remain in the strike zone. We have won the battle, Zyscghlop... but we have yet to win the war..."

* * *


End file.
